


That Wondrous Song

by Cheekybeak



Series: Walls of Glass [3]
Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-10-04 11:00:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 26,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17303396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheekybeak/pseuds/Cheekybeak
Summary: Sequel to Walk Beside Me. When the call of the sea becomes too loud what can Legolas do to defeat it? Or will he have no choice but to sail and leave those he loves behind.





	1. Chapter 1

**Legolas**

 

I am tired.

  
It has been a long day and we have ridden far, the sun beating on our backs but it is not that which tires me.  
My shoulder aches, it has never been right since I injured it after my fathers departure. Now it reminds me I have ridden too far, a nagging discomfort. It reminds me also my father is far from here and I miss him. It used to be I could feel his presence no matter where I travelled. He was there within me, supporting me always. I feel nothing now except the gaping hole in my fea where once he was. I will never get used to that.

I am so tired, and yet I continue. One foot in front of the other, day after day dragging myself forward. The sea grinds at me relentlessly, wears me down until I cannot remember why I remain. Even the dwarf at my back cannot turn it aside for me. He is solid and strong, my shield, but my defences are weakening. Now the sea flows around him and engulfs me.

It used to be the sea was once a pleasant thing. In the beginning I would retreat to it with pleasure, as a distraction but it has changed. Louder and louder it grows until I cannot hear Gimli's voice over the roar of it. It is insistant now, demanding even, it will not be ignored. And I forget, I forget those who hold me here. I forget my love for them. All I can think of is it's call and how much I want to leave. I no longer have the energy to remain.

We travel to Imladris. I do not go there often but I am miserable, we were nearby, and Elrohir is there. I have forced Gimli out of his caves, it has been a long time since we last travelled but I was desperate. Perhaps it would remind me of better times? Perhaps if I run, if I ride and never stop I can outrun the sea? That was my theory but it is failing so now I go to my last resort. If anyone can lift these clouds it will be Elrohir. Or perhaps it is Elladan I seek? He can understand my pain. He can take the roar of the sea and make it a lullaby.

I should not be thinking of Elladan.

It is late when we arrive, the sun is setting but I see in the courtyard a bright flash of gold. I know what that means and I am crushed by it for it is Glorfindel. Elrohir is not here. I needed him and he is not here.......again. Glorfindel has met me here once before when I staggered, broken into pieces, to the respite of Imladris after my father's departure. How I needed Elrohir then. The promise of him was all that kept me upright as I had made my way here and the emptiness of his absense poured misery on my soul. I feel that same neverending, bottomless misery now.   
He is never where I need him.

"Legolas, this is unexpected! I am pleased to see you." Glorfindel is bright and welcoming and I know his joy at my arrival is genuine but his eyes cut through me and he sees the knot of pain at the heart of me.

My reply is blunt and verges on rudeness but I am cut to the core and not in the mood for pretence. I am not happy to see him.

"Where is Elrohir?"

Glorfindel places a hand gently on my shoulder, my sore shoulder and I flinch.

"They are gone for the night, Aragorn is here. They were in the mood to have some time together riding, hunting."

Aragorn is here. I had thought him to be in Arnor, I had not considered he might call in here to see his brothers. I do not need this, it is as if the world conspires against me.   
Aragorn is my friend, as close as a brother, but I have hurt him. I know the responsibility for that is not mine, not as I once thought it was but things between us are still awkward. Where once the conversation flowed now there are silences as he picks his words with care. He is not at ease with me nor I with him. I grieve for what we have lost but I do not know how to find it. I remember what we once were but it is as if I have to fight my way upstream to reach him and it is all too hard.

It hurts to be with him. It hurts to know how far we have fallen from what we were. On dark days in the past I used to try to imagine how the pain of losing him would feel and I could not. The idea of it overwhelmed me. Now it is the pain of being with him that defeats me, being with him and yet having lost him already. I cannot bear it.

"When do you expect them back?"   
Gimli's question interrupts my thoughts. He is worried for me I know. It is hard to hide from Gimli, He sees all. He knows all is not well with me but he does not know the truth. He does not know I toy with the idea of leaving him.

"Tomorrow. They will be here tomorrow."

"Hear that Legolas?" Gimli smiles at me. "You have a days grace to make yourself respectable. One more night Lad."

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, it repeats, the word bouncing off the corners of my mind. One more night and Elrohir will be here, but that was what I had told myself yesterday when the sea came to drown me in the dead of night and I no longer believe it.

"You look tired Legolas," Glorfindel frowns at me. "Some rest might be in order."

"I am fine."

  
It is an automatic reply, for I am anything but. How can I tell him though what weighs me down? He will not understand. He is Noldor and has never heard the sea, He has returned from Valinor. He is alien to me.

"Come and eat then, and I will see you to your rooms." Glorfindel leads us away and I follow one foot after the other, dragging myself onward. It is a routine now......one more day.....one more day. Tomorrow will be better and yet it never is.

I am relieved when the meal is done, night is fallen and I am left alone. I do not have to hide when I am on my own. It is exhausting, this constant pretence of wellbeing. In my room there is no one to see me and I can be myself, I can wear the pain on my sleeve. I thought I would not sleep, I often don't but it seems Glorfindel is right, I am tired and sleep chooses tonight to overtake me but it is not restful.

I dream, a dream I often have, a dream of torture and grief. The faces of the men who chained me dance in front of me jeering. They hate me and I hate them for they have ruined me and they will not leave me alone. I wish I was free of them but I do not know how to achieve that. I wake, my heart pounding, drenched in sweat and the room is dark. It takes several minutes to convice myself the Men are not here, were not real.

I wish Elrohir was here. He knows of the dreams and he will chase them away for me. He is a light in the darkness of my life. When he is with me the sea recedes, my fear takes flight and I can remember happiness. But we are often apart, seldom together, and I am afraid he will not be enough to keep me here. But if I lose him what will happen to me then?

And tonight when the Men come to haunt me and the sea pounds at my door he is not here.  
He is not here.

I am alone.


	2. Chapter 2

After my nightmares I think I will sleep no more but I do, I do and for once it is rejuvenating. I sleep deeply and long. When I awake the sun is well up in the sky and I wonder why Gimli has not woken me. I wonder why I feel so well, it is a feeling I have long forgotten. My aches of yesterday have disappeared. My shoulder moves easily, pain free for the first time in days. Perhaps it is just Imladris that does this, long has it been a sanctuary, a place of peace. My sea is blue, crystal clear and gentle today. It does not threaten me.

At times like this my distress of the day before makes no sense to me. Of course I will not leave, why would I? Leave Gimli? Leave Aragorn? It is insanity and I will not contemplate it. I am energised, I will see Aragorn today and we will talk. We will move one step closer to becoming the brothers we once were. Yesterday he felt out of my reach. Today I can almost touch him. Our friendship is not irreparable, it is precious to me and I will not give it up.

I discover I am hungry. That is a rare occurrence also and I decide to act on it, hopefully I have not slept long enough to miss breakfast. It turns out I have not. Gimli, Erestor, and Glorfindel are sitting round the table when I arrive and the hum of conversation stops the instant I enter the room. They have been discussing me. Three sets of eyes watch me intently and attempt to analyse my mood. Normally it would annoy me but today my lightheartedness means it simply amuses me.

"Do you like what you see?"   
I ask cheerfully and Gimli frowns.

"I see an irritating and most difficult elf," he grumbles but I know he teases and I know he is pleased I am happy this morning.   
I reach over for some bread, I am ravenous.

"You seem rested Legolas, did you sleep well?" Glorfindel asks.

"The best!" I reply, it is not quite the truth but close enough. The relief at the disappearance of my burdens has left me giddy. I feel like a child again, as if I could acheive anything today. I am invincible. Today I will see Elrohir, today we will be together. A thought strikes me.

"What time do you expect the twins?" I ask, "Where did they go? Do you know which direction they return from?"

"West, further down the valley. They should be here by lunch I should think,"Glorfindel says. "Why do you ask?"

"I think I will ride out to meet them." The idea has just arrived fully formed in my mind. I cannot wait, I am impatient.

But Gimli groans,  
"Have you had not had enough of riding Legolas, I do not want to get on that horse again so soon."

"You do not have to come Gimli, I meant I would ride by myself. Stay here and relax, you lazy dwarf!"

"I am not about to let you go off by yourself!" He says with alarm and I laugh.

"This is Imladris, Gimli, in the fourth age. There are no dangers here. I think I can keep myself safe in the valley."

"It is not dangers I am worried about," he says, "Can you keep yourself safe from yourself?"  
It is a strange question but I understand his meaning, he is worried the sea will take me and I will wander.

"I will not veer from the path. I swear it Ada!" I laugh and place my hand on my heart. He is not convinced. He sighs and looks to Glorfindel for support but Glorfindel looks pointedly elsewhere. He does not wish to get caught between us. I don't blame him.

"I seem to remember last time you came here you managed to get yourself chewed up and spat out by a warg!" Gimli tries again.

"That was in the mountains, you are being dramatic, and it was just a nip, a small bite. I will be perfectly safe. In fact if you argue with me for much longer they will already be here and I will only have to jog down to the courtyard to meet them!"

He gives up. I have bested him and it is a grand feeling. It is a long time since we have sparred like this.

The ride is a glorious one. Without Gimli I can let the horse run free, the wind whips my hair and I feel at one with the horse, the wind, the trees. It is exhilarating. It heals my soul, how could I ever leave this? Surely Valinor has nothing to match it.

I hear them before I see them. Their time must have gone well for they are loud and raucous with their laughter. As I turn the corner and see them far down the path in front of me I cry out,

"Be silent you Noldor, you give the trees a headache!"

Elrohir's head snaps to the front to look at me and he is transformed. His face alight with joy,

"Legolas!" He cries my name and vaults off his horse running, running to greet me. I join him on the ground dismounting. He fills me with a bubble of joy, it is so large I cannot contain it and it surges out of me as bright, happy laughter. He is here. We are one.

When we embrace in welcome it is as if I am surrounded by his love. He takes my joy and magnifies it a thousand times. Nothing can hurt me here, the sea cannot reach me. I feel his heart thudding against me. How magnificent he is and he is mine. He loves me.

"Why are you here?" He exclaims, "We did not expect you."

I smile,  
"Gimli was getting lazy. I have forced some exercise upon him. We were in the area, I thought you would not protest."

"You know I would not." He is alight with happiness and so am I.

I feel Elladan's eyes upon me and look up. He watches me intensely, what does he look for I wonder? He is beautiful standing there, he fascinates me, I think because I do not understand him. Thinking of him is an error for Elladan and I have erred, we have wronged my lover, his brother.The guilt from that chokes me. It creeps out now from the cage I keep it in. It is harder and harder for me to lock it away. I look away from Elladan. I will not think of that. I will not.

Instead I turn to Aragorn who holds back, waiting I think, to see if I will welcome him today or not. My determination to reach him still remains.

"What has happened to your skills, oh leader of the Dunedain, that you trample through the forest with these noisy Noldor?" I ask with a grin.

His face is transformed with a smile full of relief and the tension flows out of him.

"They are all I have to work with" he laughs, "They are hopeless, I need a woodelf."

It is good to joke with him and I bask in his friendship.

During the ride back however my mistake in giving my guilt an escape route takes it's toll. It is an insidious thing and sneaky. It worms its way into my consciousness and sets about destroying my happiness. Elrohir is glowing beside me but I can only see the devastation there will be on his face when he finds us out. He will hate me and walk away from me and with good reason. Fear rises up within me, terror at the loss of him. How long do I have left before he discovers us? By the time we reach Imladris I am quiet and introspective, my joy all but evaporated in the breeze. Elrohir does not notice so caught up in his happiness to see me but Elladan does.....and Aragorn I think.

The guilt consumes me. I can think of nothing else and the love Elrohir showers upon me brings me no joy, only the certain knowledge of what I will lose. I spend lunch in silence indulging in my own thoughts of grief, resisting Gimli's attempts to draw me out and of course the sea is back. Am I not allowed even a day to myself?

It uses my guilt as a conduit to attack me. Battering me until I feel torn in two. I cannot concentrate on conversation. It drowns out all else. It is a demanding master and insists I must pay it heed.

By evening I am exhausted. Even Elrohir begins to show concern. We retreat, he and I to be alone. I try to lose myself in him, drown the sea out with our passion. Sometimes it works, sometimes the heat we generate can burn it all away but not tonight. As we lie together afterwards he strokes my hair and asks,

"What is wrong?"

How can I tell him? There is nothing I can say.

"I miss you." I murmer and it is the truth, a part of it at least.   
Elrohir sleeps but I do not. The sea will not let me, it is relentless and I am at the end of my endurance. What can I do when even Elrohir cannot rid me of it?  
It howls through the night. It is an agony and I am in tears, I cannot do this!

As the sun rises I know what I must do. I have only one choice. I get myself up taking care to leave my love asleep.

There is nothing else for it. I will go mad if I cannot block this out.

I must take myself to Elladan.  
To say Elladan and I do not get on is an understatement. He has never liked me, he thinks me to be not good enough for his brother. The funny thing is now I think he might be right. I have tried in the past to win his respect, his approval but to no avail. I wanted him to like me or at least think me worthy.

Then we made our mistake. Our betrayal of Elrohir. When I think about it I can't even understand how that happened but it has destroyed me, and destroyed beyond repair any chance of Elladan and I being anything but the bitterest of enemies. We spend our time pouring disdain upon each other openly and we cannot stop. I want to hurt him as much as I am hurting, every time the guilt twists within me I want to make him pay.   
Oh how it hurts Elrohir but even that does not stop us.

Everything changed though in the moment I discovered his sealonging. I can only describe it as elation, how I felt when I understood what he was telling me. Someone else who knew! I was no longer alone. Elrohir and Gimli try to comprehend it but they don't, they never can but Elladan...he was a part of it as I was.

And he could reach within me, take the sea and mould it, change it, release me from it. Everything was different then. It felt as if he looked at me with fresh eyes, perhaps he even liked what he saw. He told me he enjoyed my company and I was like a child receiving praise from a parent, basking in his approval. It made me happy. So long had I wanted him to think well of me.

Of course the guilt remained. He cannot release me from that.

So now when I have reached the end of what it is possible for me to bear, when the sea roars in my ears and I feel driven to the edge of insanity it is not Elrohir I look to but Elladan.

I know it is wrong but I have no choice.


	3. Chapter 3

**Elladan**.

Glorfindel is an early riser. He is up with the dawn, whereas I am not so inclined to move.

"I fancy a walk," he says, "Will you come?"

I groan and turn my back on him. He knows he is unlikely to get a positive answer to that question.

"I will go by myself then." He laughs and sits to strap up his boots.

The knock on the door surprises both of us. It is loud and insistant. Is something wrong?  
Glorfindel goes to answer as I get up. The urgency of the sound makes me nervous.   
It is Legolas.

He stands there pale and wild eyed, in obvious distress, Glorfindel leads him inside.

"Legolas, are you well?" He enquires though it is obvious he is not. He looks at Glorfindel, but does not see him, it as if he looks through him. It is to me that he speaks.

"I cannot bear it. Please take it away!"

I know what it is he speaks of, it is obvious, he reeks of the sea.

"Can you help me Elladan?" He pleads.

Glorfindel looks at me with serious eyes. He knows of the connection Legolas and I share, the connection through the sea longing. I have spoken to him about it often. He knows what it is Legolas asks of me.

"Be careful Elladan," he says quietly "can you handle this?"

"Do not worry," I reassure him, "I have done this before."

"I will leave you then......if you are sure?" he says but he is concerned, I know it. Something bothers him.

Legolas leans against the wall, forehead pressed against the cool stone and as the door shuts behind Glorfindel he raises his head to look at me.

"I am so tired." It is all he says and I believe him, he looks exhausted.

"I can not do this any more." A thrill of fear runs through me. He cannot sail, for if he does my brother will be left alone and grieving.

"You cannot leave Legolas," I gasp, horrified. "You have always promised Elrohir you would not."

"I did not know it would be like this!" He cries, "It gives me no peace." He sinks back against the wall and slides to the floor burying his head in his hands.  
"It is too much!"

I sit beside him and place an arm around him,

"I will help," I say but the truth is I am afraid. I have never seen him this distressed and I wonder if this may be beyond me.   
"We will work something out, I can make this better, I will make sure you are able to stay."

"I cannot come running to Imladris everytime the sea calls," he snaps, "You are too far away."

"I will ease it now, Then when things are clearer for you, then we can talk." There is no talking to him now, he is far too distressed. "Let me in," I say, "Let me in."

And he does, far too eager, far too quickly he grasps at me and I am unprepared. He sucks me in before I am anywhere near ready.

The sea roars around me. It is everywhere and I am drowning in it. I thrash against it, choking, struggling to keep my head above water, I will surely drown in this.  
I panic, and I can not see Legolas within this tumultuous sea. I cry his name with desperation, where is he? Where is he? And I understand. He cannot stay, not like this. How does he survive this? At last I feel the touch of a hand, the brush of his fingers and I clasp them desperately. Now I can see him and he is drowning, eyes wide and desperate.

What can I do? This is too much for me to control. I cannot change this. The sea overwhelms me, it is far to dangerous, far too wild. I can think of only one thing to do. I must take on some of his sea myself and so I reach for it, grasp it hold it too me. I take his burden and laden it onto my fea. I do not stop to think what this will mean for me, I have to do this for my brother. I have to find a way to make it possible for Legolas to stay.

The slap when it comes is stinging, It burns across my cheeks and jerks my head to the side. Someone is screaming my name,

"Elladan!, Elladan!"

Another slap even harder than the last and I gasp in pain as I am wrenched from the sea, Legolas disappears from my grasp and he is gone, the sea is gone. All is quiet and I am in pieces.

I open my eyes and the rooms spins around me, where am I? Finally I focus on the face in front of me, it is Estel and he is furious. My gaze slides behind him to Elrohir, white faced, rigid, frightened.

"What are you doing?!"

"Saving your friend," I try to answer but my mind will not think, my tongue will not move. I am scattered on the wind. The words come out garbled and nonsensical. I remember Legolas and turn my head towards him but he leans against me and his wide open eyes are blank and empty. Where is he? Have I lost him forever in there?

"You should not have done that!" I cry to Estel but my tongue is numb and clumsy and I do not even know if he can understand me. I am terrified.

Estel's temper is running wild.  
"How long? How long Elladan." He shakes me in his rage and I struggle to push him off, even my limbs do not obey me, "How long have you had the sea longing? Why have you not told me?"

"Leave me," I mumble and I think it makes sense, "Let me find myself." I shut my eyes to shut him out, breathing heavily as I wait for my wits to return. He must have understood me because he stills and sits silent before me. I do not know how long it takes before the pieces that are myself return but behind them all I hear the sea and it is loud.....so loud. It is not my sea.

When I begin to feel in control I open my eyes again and turn to Legolas. It is such a relief to see him blinking slowly, trying to focus, at least he has returned but I can tell he is as scattered and as disjointed as I.

I clasp his face between my hands clumsily,  
"Are you there Legolas? Are you safe?"

He attempts to answer me and fails but I do get a nod and it is enough. I place my arm around him and pull him too me in an attempt to protect him while he gathers himself.

Estel has lost his patience, he grasps my arm and it is not kindly.

"Are you insane?"

"Are you?" I snap back, "You could have killed him!"

"I was trying to reach you. You were lost to us."

"You should not meddle in things you do not understand!" I am angry now.

"Do you understand it?" He sneers. His words are biting....and true, I did not understand what I had attempted to do. I am not about to admit that though.

"How long have the two of you been indulging in this folly?" He is so angry but I know behind it all is fear.

"He was suffering and I can help him. Would you have me turn away? Do not forget for who's sake he remains here!" That was a low blow and unfair I know but I will defend myself however I can.

He pales at that but continues to attack.

"You have done this before haven't you? With no one around. It could have ended in disaster. Why didn't you tell me, tell Elrohir?"

"Because you would react like this.....and Elrohir would be terrified, I didn't tell you because I didn't have the strength to!" At the mention of my brother I remember he was here and search the room for him. I cannot see him.

"Where is Elrohir?"

"He has gone." Estel says bitterly, "and I am sure he is in a fine state."

Beside me Legolas stirs, he is trying to speak and I bend my head towards him but I struggle to hear what he says, his words are thick and jumbled. He tries again, shaking his head in frustration as he forces the words out.

"Go ...to...him."

He worries for Elrohir and so do I but I am reluctant to leave him while he is not himself. He pushes me off him, but it is less a push than a pointless flailing of his arms.

"Aragorn is here." He says more clearly and in his eyes I see Legolas, not the confusion of earlier. He does return.

I turn to Estel,  
"I must go to him. Can I trust you to protect Legolas until he is more together?"

"Of course!" He snaps and his eyes flash. "What do you take me for?"

"You caused this by interfering!" I counter angrily.

"You caused this with foolish risk taking!" He may be right, I knew Legolas was perhaps too distressed for me to manage. I should at least have asked Glorfindel to remain.

Standing as it turns out is not easy and walking even less so. I would call what I manage more of a stagger. I feel drunk as I stumble out of the room. I fix Estel with a baleful stare as I leave. I am still angry at the distress he has inflicted upon us, even unintentionally. By the time I reach Elrohir's room I have at least managed to work out how to place one foot in front of another. Legolas's sea is a dull roar at the back of my consciousness and it drains me. I wonder how long it will remain, am I stuck with it forever?

I hear my brother before I even enter. He is in a rage. I hear the crash of furniture as he overturns it. Elrohir always deals with his fear with anger. He is out of control and I wonder if I will be able to rein him in this time. I open the door with apprehension and duck as a glass flies towards me.

"Go away," he cries, "Leave me alone! You will anyway."

"I will never leave you." I say quietly. The room is a mess, he has destroyed it.

"Stop Elrohir, stop this, it does not help."

And he does, but I think only because he has nothing else to smash. He is shaking.

"Why you?" He says in agony, "Why you? Do the Valar hate me that much? What have I done?"

"It is not about you Elrohir," I say tentatively, "and I will not go. You do not have to fear this."

"Do not lie! Do you think me stupid? I see how Legolas struggles to remain."

"It is different for me, my sea is quieter, not the same as his. Perhaps it is my Noldor blood that tempers it?" It is not quieter at the moment, it is a vicious thing pounding in my ears but I do not tell him that.

He stills, breathing heavily and stares at me asking the same question Estel did.

"Why did you not tell me? Why did Legolas know this and not me?"

"Because it would hurt you." I say, "as it is hurting you now. Legolas found out accidently, when he was injured in Minas Tirith and you were not there. I asked him to say nothing, do not blame him."

"Why does he go to you for help and not turn to me? I asked him what was wrong, he lied to me."

"He knows the sealonging hurts you. He protects you.....and I can help him."

"I knew something had changed between you." He mutters bitterly, then he turns his back on me.  
"Go away Elladan. I need to be on my own to think."

"This is hardly thinking," I indicate the destruction around me.

"It is the way I think."

"It is the way you destroy yourself." I am not willing to leave him.

"Who are you to tell me how to feel?" He cries and he is weeping, he is disintegrating before my eyes.

I say the only thing I can say,

"I am your brother."

And I do what I should have done the moment I arrived here. I cross the floor, one, two, three paces until I am before him.   
I take him in my arms, I hold him.

"You will never lose me Elrohir."

But the sea laughs at me in my mind. Already I am sick of it.  
What have I done?

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Legolas**.

One moment I am in the sea with Elladan and the next he is gone, torn from me, his hand disappearing from mine. I do not know what is happening all I know is that I am alone, alone with the sea. Though I cry his name he does not answer.  
I am bereft.

The sea is strange. It is not the torrent of anger it was earlier, it is less. I do not understand it but it is a relief and I float dazed and confused until reality accosts me.

When I open my eyes the light is glaring and I have no idea where I am, it is a room but where? Faces dance before me but I cannot make sense of them then Elladan is there, right in front of me. He cups my face with his hands.

"Are you there Legolas? Are you safe?" He asks and his voice is thick, he stumbles over words.

I try to answer but I can make no sound nor find the words within my head so I nod, even that is an effort. I wonder what has happened and he hugs me to him.

Aragorn is there I realise and he is angry, so angry but I don't know why. He shouts at Elladan, calls him a fool. I listen as they berate each other wondering all the time what it is all about. Does it have anything to do with me?

"How long have you had the sealonging?" Aragorn asks and I realise he must have found us. Something has happened so he knows, he knows Elladan's secret.

Then I hear words that chill me to the bone,

"Where is Elrohir?" Elladan asks and Aragorn replies that he has gone.

If Elrohir has discovered his brothers sea longing it will be a disaster, it will destroy him. I struggle to communicate but it is so hard. I cannot make my mouth work.

"Go to him!" I try to tell Elladan, "Follow him, save him!" I do not know if he hears me so I try to push him away but even my arms won't work as I want. I think he gets the message for he leaves me, I am cold and lonely without his warmth by my side, and so confused.

I turn my gaze to Aragorn sitting beside me,

"You are such a fool Legolas." He says, "What were you thinking?" I want to tell him that the sea had been so loud, so cruel that I could think of nothing else but I cannot manage it.

"Nothing...." Is the word I manage to strangle from my disobedient tongue.

"Nothing is right!" he sighs, "Do you have any idea how dangerous this was, what you and Elladan were doing. How could you let him do this?"

"I do it too." It is a miracle I can get more than one word together. I want to let him know this is something we have both done, it is not Elladan's fault. In the end it is just too hard, trying to talk, trying to think and I shut my eyes. I do not want to look at his accusing face. It hurts me.

I hear a door open, and someone enters the room, then their footsteps stop.

"What has happened?" It is a voice of alarm, it is Glorfindel.

"Elladan and Legolas have been playing with fire." Aragorn says, "Did you know of this? Did you know he has the sea longing?"

"Of course I knew. Where is Elladan?!" There is fear behind his voice.

"With Elrohir.......who is a mess. Do not worry Glorfindel, he is in a better state than Legolas."

And I think to myself he is wrong, for it is as if my sea has drained away and there is only one place it can have gone, to Elladan.

I feel Glorfindel kneel down beside me. He takes my head from the stone against which it rests and places it on his shoulder. It is so comforting and I sigh,

"He has taken the sea," I try to tell him but it is a whisper and I do not think he understands.

Glorfindel strokes my hair and I lie against him listening to their talk. I am numb and oh so tired. I do not have the strength to contribute.

"Did you know what they have been doing?" Aragorn asks, his voice tinged with frustration.

"I knew, we have spoken of it."

"And you have allowed it?"

"It is not for me to stop it, as it was not for me to tell you or Elrohir his secret. I should have stayed here today though, I should have done that."

"They were lost when I found them!" Aragorn says accusingly. "It was nearly impossible to reach him."

"You broke the bond?" Glorfindel sounds alarmed. "You should not have done that Aragorn. It is dangerous in itself. No wonder the boy is in such a state."

"I was not thinking clearly," he is defensive now, "If I had known what I was seeing.....it would have been more helpful!"

They lapse into silence and lying there against Glorfindel in the quiet I almost fall asleep.

"I have never heard of this." It is Aragorn and he is calmer, "I have studied long," he says, "if there is a book on the sea longing then I have read it, both here and in Minas Tirith. I have tried to find out everything I can to help Legolas but I have never heard of a link through the sea longing such as this."

I did not know he had done that. I did not know he had gone to such lengths to try and help me. I believed Aragorn hid from my sea longing because it caused him pain but it seems he has been on a crusade to save me from it. It is a revelation.

"I do not believe it is the sea longing" Glorfindel says, "It is Elladan. I too have done research and that is the conclusion I have come to."

I listen with interest. What does he mean? Aragorn repeats my very question.

"What do you mean?"

"Look at his bloodline Aragorn. Elrond, Galadriel, Elwing, Luthien. He forms this link between the two of them."

"You are wrong," I hear disbelief in his voice, "Arwen has some ability but Elladan and Elrohir never had, they cannot use their minds that way."

"They can and they do, they have power....between themselves, they have always had that. The sea longing has caused Elladan to reach out, to create this connection with Legolas, possibly he has always been able to do this but has only just discovered it."   
Strangely Aragorn asks the very question that was forming in my mind.

"Legolas gave me the impression it was a two way thing, that he could do this as well and he has no power of mind speech."

I feel Glorfindel nod beside me,"That confused me too." He says, "but I think the link is all through Elladan. Legolas can connect because Elladan allows it."

I wonder if he is right.

"You need to ask yourself Aragorn," Glorfindel is stern now and disapproving, "Why he did not come to you with this. What have you done that he felt he must hide it. It is not Elladan you should be angry with but yourself."

He leans over me then and tilts my head upwards so he can see into my eyes,   
"Are you with us Legolas?" He asks.

"Yes." Just the uttering of one word exhausts me, I feel washed clean, as if the bleeding away of my sea has left nothing behind. I open my eyes and see him frowning down at me with concern. He brushes the hair from my eyes.

"All is not well with you still."

"I am tired." And I am so very, very, tired.

"Come on then child, I will put you to bed." He hoists me up and standing is not easy. If it were not for Glorfindel I would surely fall. I see Aragorn watching, he reaches out a hand to steady me.

"I am sorry," I say, "I did not mean this."

He does not answer me and Glorfindel leads me away.

I don't remember how Glorfindel gets me to my room. Nor do I remember him putting me to bed but I sleep. I do not think I have ever been as tired as this, bone achingly tired. Even keeping my eyes open is a struggle.

I wake once and I am not sure what time it is or how long I have slept. There are voices above me talking softly but I do not have the energy to open my eyes instead I lay there floating, listening. It is Elladan and Glorfindel.

"How are you?" Glorfindel asks and his voice is tender with concern.

"I have recovered," Elladan sounds to my ears unnaturally bright. "I admit it was dislocating at first, not the most pleasant experience."

"and now?"

"I am well Glorfindel, do not worry." But I know he lies, my sea has disappeared, it must have gone somewhere, it must be with him. I should let Glorfindel know I think but it feels as if my eyelids are weighed down with lead. I cannot open them.

"I am worried about him though," he continues. "This sleep is unnatural, he does not recover as I do. When I first saw him, he was not there. His eyes were blank. I thought I had lost him."

"He is here now I assure you," Glorfindel sounds calm and reassuring compared to Elladan's tense anxiety.   
"I spoke to him before bringing him here, it was absolutely Legolas. I wonder if this is just an after effect of all he has suffered? He was not well when he arrived here. He tried to hide it but I am not fooled as easily as that."

"Yet when we met him yesterday morning he seemed his old self." Elladan was puzzled,"That was no act."

"I wonder," Glorfindel mused, "If he has not recovered from the loss of Thranduil."

I feel his hand rest gently upon my forehead and it reminds me so much of my father I want to weep.

They continue to talk and it might be of me, I do not know for their voices grow distant and indistinct and I cannot hear them. Instead I drift upon waves of sleep and my mind is filled with images of my Father. I wish I could see him, I wish I could speak with him, but he is not that far away I realise. He is only across the sea. I can reach him, I could go now if I wished, I could go tomorrow and I find I do wish it.  
I wish it more than anything.

 


	5. Chapter 5

When I wake for the second time things are better. I can open my eyes for one thing.

"So you are finally awake. You have slept the day away Legolas!" a voice says next to me and I swing my head to face it.

It is Gimli and I am confused, wasn't Glorfindel here?

"Where is Glorfindel?" I ask.

"I sent him to eat. You have no idea how boring it is to sit here watching you sleep."

I smile, Gimli can always make me smile.

"How do you feel lad?" He asks me gently and I pause to consider my answer. I think I feel well, the tiredness has gone and the sea is barely discernible. That reminds me of Elladan. What has he done? Is my assumption of earlier correct that he has taken the sea? I decide I must see him, I must see him now. I will take the sea back for I cannot let him do that, it is too much. It is my burden to bear and mine alone.

"Where is Elladan?" I ask suddenly and Gimli frowns for I have not answered his question.

  
"I assume he is eating also Legolas, It is dinner time."

I sit up and swing my legs over the side of the bed.

"What are you doing?!" Gimli asks in alarm.

"I am hungry. I think I will go and eat."

"Don't be ridiculous," I know I am annoying him, "I will bring you something."

But I ignore him.

"I am perfectly able to get something myself." I say.

I find when I stand I am perhaps not as recovered as I thought I was. The room sways around me. But I steady myself, I am determined.

"Legolas, sit down and do as you are told!" Gimli snaps at me but I grace him with a smile and carry on. He ends up grumbling loudly as he hurries down the corridor behind me.

The instant I enter the room I wish I had listened to his advice and stayed where I was. All eyes are on me and the room crackles with tension. I hesitate uncertainly in the doorway not knowing what to do next.  
Glorfindel breaks the silence smiling widely,

  
"Legolas! Good to see you awake. How are you?"

"This is not my idea, I'll have you know." Gimli speaks before I can say anything. "He will not listen to commonsense."

I sweep my eyes across the others, Elrohir is angry, I can tell. He ignores me, does not spare even a glance in my direction.

"Sit Legolas," Glorfindel draws back the chair beside him. and gratefully I lower myself into it. I turn my gaze to Elladan and he gives me a smile but he looks pale I think and overly burdened.

"Are you well?" I ask him,

"Can you not tell that through your ...bond?" Elrohir's words are laden with poison and I am taken by surprise.

"Stop it Elrohir." Elladan frowns at him, and Aragorn sighs in the background.

"What do you mean?" I say. I have obviously missed something here and I am suddenly unaccountably nervous, why didn't I listen to Gimli?

"I was wondering what other secrets the two of you have been keeping." He snarls and a shard of fear runs through me. Does he know?

"That's enough Elrohir. You are being ridiculous. I have explained this to you." Elladan is only barely keeping his temper in check but Elrohir leaps to his feet the chair scraping on the stone floor as he pushes it roughly back.

"I think I will seek some more pleasant company." His voice is ice and he turns on his heels and leaves. I am both humiliated and fearful. Is this it then? The beginning of the end of us. Please let it not be so....not yet!

"I should go after him." I stammer and stumble awkwardly to my feet but Aragorn reaches across the table and grabs hold of my sleeve.

"Don't Legolas, leave him. Now is not the time, let him calm down."

"I cannot leave this!" I say shrugging him off. He may be right but I can not just do nothing.

Elladan catches me before I have gone more than a handful of paces down the corridor.

"Don't Legolas. Aragorn is right, now is not the time. He is angry with me, you will just get caught in the crossfire."

"He is upset, I need to speak with him." I say, "I cannot walk away."

"He is unpredictable. He will calm down eventually."

"Do you think I can not handle Elrohir's moods?" I ask. "For I tell you I can."

"Of course I know that." He rubs a hand through his hair in frustration, "but I think you are ......vulnerable at the moment. I think this will not go well for you."

What he says may make sense but I am not my father's son for nothing. I do not turn away at the first difficulty. I have never done that. I turn to leave but remember at the last moment what I wanted to ask him.

"What have you done to the sea? Have you taken it?" The truth is writ clear on his face and I am horrified.  
"You should not have Elladan. I never expected that!"

"Do not worry," he says, "At first it was difficult but already it eases. It is not a problem to me."

"No. I cannot let you do this." I shake my head, "I will talk to Elrohir and then I will find you. I will take the sea back!" And I am determined I will. There is one more thing I ask him before I go because fear burns a hole through my soul.

"Does he know?"

Elladan is startled, he knows what I mean and we never speak of it.

"No! No Legolas. It is my sea longing that has upset him, that is all."

The door to Elrohir's room is unlocked and I let myself in. There is no point in knocking, he will only tell me to go away and I have no intention of doing that. I am stunned into silence when I see the state of his room. He has destroyed it. I can only imagine how much he must be hurting.

"What?" He is not pleased to see me, he spits the word out as if speaking to me is a distasteful thing.

"What was that about?" I ask.

He ignores my question, he is following his own path.

  
"Why are you here? I thought you would prefer to be with Elladan now the two of you are so close."

And I realise with a flash that he is jealous. It is strange because Elrohir so seldom is.

"Elrohir, it is not like that."

"How is it then? Please explain this bond that is so close you cannot function for an entire day when it is disrupted."

"It is not.... It is nothing....." I struggle to work out what it is I should be saying.

"Nothing? Really? Being apart from me has never caused you this much distress."

I am floored by that for how do I begin to describe to him the pain being away from him causes me, the desperation with which I clung to the promise of him on my way to Imladris?

I try, but I fail.

"You have no idea Elrohir how I suffer when you are not with me."

"I am sure I do for I am sure you suffer not at all!"   
He is beyond reasoning with and his words hit me like a they are the sharpest of blades. Elladan is right, I am far too vulnerable for this.

"Be gone Legolas, for I do not need you. I do not want you."

It is the worst thing he could possibly say to me. How many times have I imagined him saying those words. I am crushed, it as if he has picked me up and shattered me into little pieces. I cannot breathe.

"Elrohir!" I gasp his name.

"Just go, go to someone who does want you." He turns his back on me and I am left standing there. I can not do this any longer, it hurts too much. Everything hurts. At that moment I can think of nothing I have that is worthwhile.

I leave as he has asked me to but I do not go to find Elladan as I said I would. I go to my room, lock the door and think. No one comes to look for me, why would they?

When night falls I cannot sleep for I have slept away all the day and I am wide awake, instead I write. I write to Elrohir and everything I cannot say to him out loud I put to paper. I pour my soul into that letter and all my pain.

I tell him of my father, how much I miss him, how empty I feel without his presence, how I long to join him. I tell him of the nightmares that plague me, how lonely I am without him to stand between me and my fears, how much I need him and how lost am I when he is far away.   
I speak of Aragorn and my confusion, my bewilderment at what I should do to mend things with him, of how much the loss of his friendship hurts every time I see him. And last I speak of the sealonging, the constant stress that it places me under, my weakness, the way I can no longer resist it's persistent call. I tell him it all, all except the last, my betrayal with Elladan. That I keep to myself.

I write to Aragorn and Gimli also. The thought of safe, solid dependable Gimli brings me to tears but even he is not enough to ease my hurts and I have reached my end. I can endure no longer. When dawn begins to light the sky I leave, before I can change my mind and second guess myself. I pack my belongings such that they are. It is sad to leave this place and think I will never return here again but I am resolute.

Elrohir does not want me and he was my last hope, the last thing I had to cling to. If I was more myself I would have realised they were simply words he threw at me in anger. That today he will doubtless not feel the same, if he ever did truly feel that. Elrohir can often say things he does not mean. Normally I know this but today I am too worn out, beaten down by what feels a heap of endless burden. I cannot see the truth of it. I cannot see it at all.

I make my way to the stables where I find my horse waiting for me patiently. No one sees me go and I wonder how long it will be until they miss me? Will they miss me at all? Of course Gimli will I think but then I turn my thoughts from him on purpose. Thinking of Gimli is the one thing that will weaken my resolve and I do not want it weakened.

And so I continue underneath the pale sky, alone,   
I leave the valley forever.


	6. Chapter 6

**Elladan**

  
For the second morning in a row Glorfindel and I are disturbed by a desperate knocking on the door. It is not Legolas however, it is Elrohir and he is frantic.

He gives me no explanation but shoves a piece of paper into my hands.

"Read this," he says, and I glance down. It is a letter written in Legolas' neat hand and addressed to him. I try to give it back to him, I have no desire to be reading their personal correspondence.

"I cannot read this Elrohir, it is private." As twins our boundaries have often not been the best but I know I would overstep them here.

"You must!" He is insistent, "I need you to tell me what to do. Please Elladan!"

I glance back at Glorfindel, what does he think I should do? He nods at me seriously so I acquiesce.

The letter is a litany of pain, reading it twists my heart with despair. Some things I had known, the depth of the sealonging, Legolas' pain at the loss of Thranduil, I remember him as he was when he arrived in Minas Tirith after that, stripped bare, his soul bleeding. Others however are a revelation. I had no idea he was still plagued by nightmares of the attack, I did not know the level of his desperate dependence on my brother. How can Elrohir ever live up to that? And his friendship with Estel? Foolishly I had believed things were improved there. Estel had told me they were, that they spoke more often, not the same but getting there. It is obvious that to Legolas they were not.

I wonder why he has written this, what has triggered it and I wonder why Elrohir is standing here in front of me instead of with Legolas. I look up at him.

"I knew none of this!" he says and I frown,

"Have you not talked to him about Thranduil Elrohir?"

"I have, of course I have, long and often. He tells me he is adjusting, that he knows it is just a temporary separation. He did not tell me this! I knew about the nightmares of course but I did not know how much he needed me. He has never said.....and Estel, I thought things were better. Estel says they are. Do you not think I have been in communication with him as well as Legolas about that."

"Why are you here? Why are you not with him?"

Elrohir's face is agonised,

"He is gone."

"Gone?!" A chill passes through me.

"Last night...." Elrohir struggles to speak, " I was angry, I told him I didn't want him, didn't need him. I didn't mean it! I went this morning to apologise and found this and these letters also to Estel and Gimli. His room is bare, his horse is missing."

"Oh Elrohir, tell me you did not say those things."

"I didn't mean them!"

"I have spoken with you before about losing control," I say quietly but I will not lecture him, not when he has probably lost that which is most precious to him. He is in tears.

"What do I do?"

"You go after him." It is Glorfindel who finally speaks and he is not to be argued with.

"But where do I go? which direction has he gone?"

"You know where he has gone Elrohir." Glorfindel is stern and unforgiving.

"To The Havens?" It is but a whisper as if my brother does not want to say the words we know are true.

I grasp his arm.   
"Tell Gimli, Elrohir, The two of you ready our horses. I will speak with Estel," I take the letter with Estel's name from his hand.

"But you know how well he rides. We will never catch him." He speaks as if he is already defeated.

"Even if he makes it all the way to The Havens he will not get on a boat immediately. We will intercept him there."

"And I will convince him to stay." Elrohir says but I no longer believe Legolas should stay. I have borne his sea and it is a heavy burden. It is true what I told him last night, it eases and grows quieter every hour but at first it was a tumultuous weight of pain. The thought of insisting Legolas remain and bear that makes me ill. I do not know how he has done it.

"Elladan." Glorfindel speaks to me as I leave. "I will meet you at the stables." And I realise he thinks he will come with us.

"Glorfindel, I hadn't anticipated you would come." I don't wish to hurt his feelings but I am sure the less people chasing after Legolas the more chance we have of talking to him. Too many of us and he will run like a frightened rabbit.

"I think you will need me." Glorfindel is deadly serious.

I hesitate, how do I say this? He worries about how I will cope with my brother if Legolas leaves for it will surely be a nightmare.

"I can cope with Elrohir, I promise you. I know it will not be pretty, I was with him when our mother left. Aragorn will be there to help."

"And what state do you think Aragorn will be in?"

Not a good one I think but still I am somewhat irritated by his lack of faith.

"Trust me Glorfindel," I say with a frown, "I am not a child, I can handle my brother. I do not need your help, the less of us the better if we wish to encourage Legolas to allow us to speak with him."

I can tell Glorfindel does not believe me, he is reluctant but in the end he lets me go.

My younger brother is still asleep when I reach his room and a large part of me wishes I did not have to wake him with this news. It will hurt him so deeply, I wish I could just walk away and spare him this but I know I cannot.

"Estel, there is a problem." I say gently as he gets his bearings.

"This early in the morning?" He complains, "It can only be to do with Legolas then."

I hand him the letter, I find I lack the words to tell him what has happened.  
"He has left you this."

He looks at me in confusion and stares at the letter in his hand.  
"A letter?"

I stand and watch him read it. I do not know what is written there, he does not show me and I do not ask. It is between the two of them however I can imagine. He lifts his head when he reaches the end and his hands are shaking, his eyes fill with tears, his face pale.

"This is a farewell." He whispers. I pace my hands over his unsteady ones.

"I know."

"I had no idea.....I did not know he was in such pain, that I caused him to hurt so...I thought we were repairing things between us."

"I know, Estel. He has been hiding much. We will follow him, Elrohir prepares the horses as we speak."

"We will not catch him." He is defeated already. "Not if he does not wish it."

I smile sadly in response,  
"Let us just hope he wishes it then." For what else can we do?

When we reach the stables I am irritated to see Glorfindel standing there. I told him I could do this on my own. Does he really have so little faith in me?

"Elladan," he puts a hand on my shoulder, "I implore you to rethink. Allow me to accompany you. I think you will have need of me."

"Do you really think me so useless I can do nothing without you?" I hiss, the strain of the morning and my brothers' grief makes my words harsh and angry.   
"I know Elrohir better then you ever could. This is for us to deal with. I _am_ capable of functioning without you." I am unsure as to why this is annoying me so badly, it is the fact he believes I am unable to cope without him, it insults me.

"It is not that at all, of course I believe you eminently capable." He denies my accusations but I will not listen.

  
"Leave it Glorfindel." I snap,

"I worry-" he tries again but I will have none of it. I will prove to him I can stand on my own two feet.

"Then do not worry. I will be fine. I will bring Elrohir back and then you can expend all your worry on him." I turn my back and leave him. His face as we depart is grim and I am struck by a pang of guilt. He is only trying to help but I do not always need him, I can do this on my own and it is better this way. Still I will not leave with out acknowledging him and I raise my hand in farewell and give him a smile. He waves as well but does not smile back. Instead he looks burdened with concern as we depart.

We ride for hours and it is probably futile for Legolas can out ride all of us and Aragorn's horse carries two riders. It is strange to see the dwarf seated behind him when he is usually with Legolas. I feel a twinge of sadness every time I look at them.

Elrohir eventually is frustrated with our progress and takes off on his own. I watch him go, his dark hair streaming behind him in the breeze. I fear for him, I am truly frightened about what this will do to him, he did not cope well with our mothers departure. This will be even worse and he will blame himself. How I wish he had held his tongue, had not inflicted those bitter words upon Legolas.

I berate myself too. I should have tried harder to keep them apart last night. I knew of his anger and I knew Legolas would be unable to manage it. I should have kept them apart at any cost. I should not have let Legolas walk away from me. Then when he did not come to see me later as he had promised I should have searched him out not left him alone in the hopes they had made some kind of peace. The sea surges in my ears, it reminds me of my failures, how useless I am. I wonder again how Legolas survives with this. It is so constant and so draining. So hard to ignore.

It is a complete surprise to all of us when we turn a corner and see Legolas and Elrohir in the middle of the road ahead of us.   
Legolas has obviously wished to be caught.

They have dismounted and stand opposite each other. Legolas holds his hands in front of him as if he is defending himself from Elrohir's pleas, he does not want to hear them. And oh how my brother is pleading.  
He speaks of his regret, how he did not mean his bitter words, how much he loves Legolas, how much he needs him. He begs him to reconsider, to talk, to wait just a bit longer before he makes up his mind. Legolas is having none of it. He is determined his mouth set in a hard line. He is resolute. He does not bend.

We hold back and give them space. I think Estel and Gimli cannot hear what they say but I can, I should not listen but I do.

Elrohir grows desperate as his pleas seemingly fall on deaf ears, he mentions Estel and Gimli's names, it is a low blow and Legolas' eyes flick to where we stand. I see him wavering, doubt creeping round his eyes but in the end he shakes his head.

"It is too hard, Elrohir." He says, "It hurts, all of it, I cannot do this any more. I am so unhappy."

I watch as Elrohir walks up to him and takes his hands from where they are as clenched fists at his side drawing them to him.

"I know," he says, "I know,"  
He reaches up and cups his face gently. It is a gesture filled with love. Oh my brother, my poor brother, how will you survive this?

  
And then he speaks.

"I will come with you."

And my heart stops.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Elladan**.

"I will come with you." Elrohir says and I cannot believe what I am hearing, he has not just said that, he will not leave me. Legolas too struggles, he shakes his head in denial and confusion.  
But Elrohir repeats himself and I hear him clearly.

"I will come with you."

I gasp and Estel beside me whispers urgently,  
"What does he say?"

I turn to him, my heart pounding, this cannot be happening.

"He says he will leave with him." It is all I can do to say those words.  
I watch the colour drain from his face.

"No." He tries to deny it too, I do not blame him, for him it would be a permanent goodbye. I realise with a sudden clarity why Glorfindel had been so insistant on accompanying me. He did not think me incompetent, he did not doubt my abilities, he knew. He knew this was a possibility. He worried for me not my brother.  
I wish he was here.

Legolas is not accepting of Elrohir's offer,  
"You cannot do this" I hear him say. "You do not mean it, you are not ready."  
But Elrohir insists, I cannot see his face. I wish I could see his face.

"I do mean it. I am ready. I will see my father Legolas, I will see my mother." He folds his tongue around her name as if it is a prayer.  
I feel a surge of anger then, how dare Legolas do this to me, how dare he take my brother from me? How can I survive here without him? But I cannot follow, I know I am not ready, I cannot leave my sister, my little brother, I cannot leave them. How can he?  
The sea pounds in my ears and assails me, it seeks out my anger and uses it to insist I too go but at it's sound my anger fades. How can Legolas stay? How can he stay and live with this burden?

Legolas looks up, he looks straight at me. I see the tears on his cheeks, I see his haunted eyes and I cry out to him silently,  
"Do not take him. Do not take him from me for I cannot bear it."

He stands tense and still and looks. He looks at me as if he can see to the heart of me.Then it is as if I hear his voice, as if he has heard my desperate plea.  
"I will not let him do this." It sounds in my head as clear as if he is standing next to me, I put my hand to my head, I look at Estel to see if he has heard it too. He has not.  
Legolas' face is unreadable, inscrutable but a resolution flickers behind his eyes. He has made a decision, I do not know what but I find out soon enough. He turns back to my brother and backs away.

"I am not what you think." He says quietly, "You will not wish to do this when you know."

Elrohir advances,  
"You are who I love. There is nothing you can tell me that will change my mind."

It is then I know what he intends, a split second before he speaks it and I cry out,

"No, Legolas!"

It startles my brother beside me but Legolas does not so much as give me a glance.

"I have slept with Elladan."

He seeks to turn my brother against him. The only way to change his mind, to enrage him so that he will stay.

And to do so he has thrown me to the wolves.

  
.................................

 

 **Legolas**.

  
Despite my determination when I left Imladris I find I cannot do it, I cannot leave without seeing him. He may not need me, he may not want me but I need him. I want him. I take my time, I allow him to catch me. I only hope he is looking.

And he is, he finds me. He tells me he loves me. He tells me he regrets his words, he didn't mean them, he still loves me but I know he will not love me when he knows the truth. That is even clearer to me now and one day the truth will undo me. I cannot stay here to wait for that to happen. It will destroy me. For the first time in my life I run. I, who have never run from danger. Who has always faced adversity with courage as my father taught me, I run.

So when he begs me to reconsider I stay firm. I will not stay to watch the destruction of our relationship. I cannot do it. He knows all my weaknesses though and he uses them.

"What of Estel and Gimli?" He asks me and I look to them, down the road where they wait, watching. What of them? Can I leave them? I will never see them again. Never. I hesitate, the choice is agonising......but my Father waits for me across the sea, my Father who I miss with a physical ache. I want to see him. I want him to hug away my hurts as he did when I was a child. There is so much here which hurts me. It overwhelms me, I want him to take them all away. When I was young I believed he could mend the world, a part of me still does. The more unhappy I get the more I need him.

It is this I try to tell Elrohir,

"I am unhappy," I say and he knows, he does know, he tells me so.

He comes towards me and cups my face in his hand. I lean in to his touch, his love warms me and almost, almost I give in. I want him so.

"I will come with you."

At first I do not understand. I have heard him wrongly for I am sure he has not just said that. I am hearing things, imagining it. Then he repeats it and there is no doubt.

"I will come with you."

He cannot mean that! He is not ready to sail I know that, he does not have a longing to depart. He has too many he loves here. I tell him so,

"You are not ready."

But he swears it is true,  
"I will see my father Legolas, I will see my mother." And I remember that he too has a Father across the sea. Does he yearn for him as I do mine? We have never discussed it.

Hope surges within my heart. Is this possible, could it be that we could do this together? Oh how wonderful it would be if I could sail with him. I feel the beginnings of elation, a brief moment when I allow myself to believe we could make this work.  
Then I see Elladan.

He stands behind Elrohir further down the road and his face is a picture of devastation. As I look at him it is as if I can see right into his soul, he is distraught, bereaved.

"Do not take him from me for I cannot bear it." I hear his words crystal clear in my head. I know they are words only for me, Elrohir has not heard them. And I realise my fantasy of sailing with Elrohir is just that, a fantasy. I cannot do this for if my separation from my father is so traumatic how much worse Elrohir's separation from his twin. He will mourn him deeply, he will not be Elrohir without Elladan. I do him a massive disservice by even thinking we could do this.

And what of Elladan? I owe him a debt. He has taken the sea from me and I cannot imagine why he has done that. You could barely describe us as friends, for so long we have been at each other's throats and yet he has taken my burden without hesitation. Would I have done the same for him? I cannot take his brother from him I know that much.

"I will not let him do this." I tell him but that is easier said than done. Elrohir is determined and Elrohir when he is like that will not be turned. My Elrohir is all fire and strength. He burns, how he burns, it is why I am drawn to him. At times I cannot take my eyes from him so glorious is his light, so brightly he shines. When he has come to a decision he will not back down, he will not change his mind. He is the rock to which I cling but he is stubborn, oh so stubborn. Having told me he will do this he will not easily let me down.

I flick through options in my mind. What can I do to ensure he stays behind, to ensure he will not follow me and I can think of only one. I must make him hate me. I must make him never wish to follow. I must tell him the truth. Oh how it hurts, the idea of doing this. For years I have attempted to hide from my misdeeds. For years I have cringed in fear of what will result from his discovery of them. But Elladan! My father's voice echo's in my mind, 'A child of the woods always pays his debts.' I will not let him down.  
I will pay my debt. I will take this mortal blow.

I back away from his love, his light. Is this the last time he will look at me with love in his eyes? My heart breaks, It splinters right there before me.

"I am not what you think. You will not want to do this when you know."

Please believe me Elrohir, please don't make me say this. Please.

Of course he does not believe.  
"You are who I love. There is nothing you can tell me that will change my mind."

I close my eyes. I must do this, I must do this. Say it Legolas, say it.

"I have slept with Elladan."

At first he looks at me in confusion. He does not understand this, he cannot comprehend it and I am forced to repeat myself, this time softly.

"I have slept with Elladan." Every word is a dagger.

Now it hits home, his eyes widen in shock and he spins round, staring, staring at his brother. The truth is there for him to see in Elladan's horrified face. It seems forever that he looks at him but when he turns back to me his eyes are filled with pain and betrayal.

Now it comes, now I will lose him.

"You see," I murmer, "I have betrayed you. You do not want me, I am not worthy of this sacrifice you offer me."

His eyes flash with anger then, this is what I expected.  
"Do not tell me who I love and what I want!" He snarls.

He advances towards me and I brace myself for the blow that is to come be it from words or fists, I deserve this. I deserve everything he throws at me. So many hours have I spent imagining this moment in my mind. I stand firm, only my shaking hands give me away.

Then Elrohir takes those hands whose trembling betrays my distress. I look into his face and my tears burn a track down my face.

"I am sorry." It is not enough but what else can I say. "I understand you cannot want me now."

And then he speaks,

"I do not care."

He means he does not care for me, my mind explains, but no.

"I do not care Legolas, who you have slept with. This changes nothing."

This is not how it should go. This is not what he should say. I have imagined this, I know how much he should hate me. And yet he holds my hands firm.

"I will not abandon you."

The relief when I understand him is enormous. A wave of it engulfs me and leaves me undone. He will not leave me. He knows and he will NOT leave me.

I am gasping for breath and my legs refuse to hold me upright. I find myself on my knees. He will not leave me. He is beside me then and speaking but I cannot hear him through the buzzing in my ears. He will not leave me. His face swims before me as I peer through the black spots that suddenly crowd my vision. What is wrong with me? I realise I am about to faint but how I know that I do not know, I have never fainted before in my life.

The last thought as I struggle to see, to hear, to stand is that I will never live this down.


	8. Chapter 8

 

**Elladan**

 

I cannot hear what Elrohir and Legolas say after his confession but I see him fall.  
He drops to his knees and then forwards into Elrohir's arms and I am off my horse and running, Estel beside me. I arrive before Estel of course. I will always beat him in a foot race.   
Elrohir holds Legolas' unconscious form and he snarls when he sees me. He is fury personified.

"How many times?" His words are shards of ice that pierce my heart.

"Once....once only" I gasp, "But Elrohir I-"

He turns his back on me, shelters Legolas from me with his body as if I were an enemy waiting to attack, no better than an Orc.   
Estel arrives then and prevents things deteriorating further.

"What happened?" He asks as he takes Legolas gently from Elrohir's arms and Elrohir surrenders him without argument.

"I am not sure, A faint perhaps?" Legolas is already stirring, already struggling back to awareness.

"And what caused that?" The look Estel gives Elrohir is a stern one.

"I told him I would not abandon him."

"And why would the fool think you would do that?" Estel says affectionately, and I realise he hasn't heard anything they have said. He has no idea what this is about.

He does not receive an answer because we are all diverted when Legolas opens his eyes. He focuses on Estel and when he sees who it is he panics.

"Has he gone?" he cries, as he gasps short rapid breaths and struggles to sit.

"Peace Legolas," Estel murmurs holding him back, "Slow your breathing. Slow. We are all here." But it is not until Legolas sees Elrohir, until Elrohir places his arm around him that he calms.

"I am here." Elrohir says, "Of course I am here." And slowly, slowly Legolas regains his equilibrium.

I stand and walk away. I am not needed or wanted here, at least not by my brother and Legolas is in no danger. I think on Elrohir's words as I leave, 'I said that I will not abandon him.' Legolas has failed to drive him away. He still intends to sail. I will still lose him if I have not already.

I walk back to the horses, pretend I am needed to keep them under control when in truth they will stay exactly where we leave them, I leave Estel to deal with the chaos and it is not long until he joins me.

"I am missing something with those two," he says. "This does not make sense. I am not sure what has caused this panic within Legolas. He is behaving very oddly."

"He has not been well, that much is obvious." I say, if Elrohir has not enlightened our brother then I am not about to either. "The sea longing, his father, the after effects of the attack. It has all combined to cause this. It is grief I think."

"You think it is as simple as that?" Estel is disbelieving,

"He has had a lot to deal with." I say and I avert my eyes before he can see the lies within them. "We are not designed to cope well with such things, you know this."

He sighs and gives up on questioning me.   
"It is getting late. I have told them we will search for a campsite, review things in the morning."

"You think that you can hold Legolas here? That he will not flee?"

"He is strangely docile," Estel says, "I think he will do as he is told, for the night at least. I won't push my luck any longer than that."

I am filled with sudden bitterness,  
"You do not think we should just put the two of them on a horse to the Havens and be done with it."

"How can you say that?" He is horrified with me.

"Because they will leave Estel! Elrohir will leave and perhaps I just want to get that over with since I cannot stop it!"

I turn on my heels and walk away. I am angry at myself and heartsick. I want to be on my own.   
I walk until I am well away from them, off the path and into the woods. It is only there when I am sure I am alone that I give in to the surging grief I am awash with. I sit and I weep.

My brother will be gone and the thought of that is like a physical pain in my side, as if someone has cut me. I cannot imagine being without him. And worse than that is his anger which will simmer and fester while we are apart. When I finally meet him again will there be any relationship left to salvage?

I have no idea what to do.

I am interrupted from my weeping by a strong hand falling on my shoulder. A silent presence behind me. He drops down to sit by my side.

"Oh Elladan." He says my name softly as he puts his arm around my shoulders. I think I have never been more pleased to see anyone in my life, at first I don't even question where he has come from.

"He is going to leave." I sob, "Elrohir is going to leave me."

He says nothing but simply holds me and in the end I regain control, it is a struggle.

"You knew." I say.

"I thought it might be a possibility," Glorfindel answers, " I was concerned he might. It seems a very Elrohir thing to do, He thinks with his heart."

He is right. My brother is impetuous and passionate. He will say and do things in the heat of the moment and only later consider if it was his best option. I love him for it. Elrohir feels so deeply.

"Why are you here?" I suddenly realise Glorfindel should be miles away in Imladris.

He laughs,  
"Erestor tore strips off me when he realised I had let you go without me. He despairs of me I think. I followed you simply to avoid his lecturing." He even manages to make me smile.  
"Aragorn told me where I could find you."

I sigh,   
"It is worse than you think. Legolas has told Elrohir about us. He will sail and we will be estranged when he does so. He is so angry and I do not have the time to fix this."

"Perhaps he will not go."

"You have not seen him, he will go." I am bitter, Glorfindel cannot mend this for me but I am so glad he is there.

He touches my arm almost hesitantly,   
"Perhaps, Elladan......perhaps you should think about going also?"

"No!"   
I will not listen to this, Not for a second will I consider it an option.

"The sea calls you," he says, "and without Elrohir..."

"I cannot leave my sister. I will not. I do not care what the sea says to me!" That very sea at this moment roars loud and strong in my ears, the more upset I get the more determinedly it implores me to go.

It is more than that which holds me back however for if I went I do not think that he would follow me. I have never asked and although we have discussed my sealonging at length he has never volunteered to go. Now I am afraid to ask, afraid he will say no.

He looks at me through narrowed eyes,

"Are you sure you are fully recovered, from the broken bond with Legolas?"

I wonder why he asks, I wonder what he sees that causes him concern.

"Yes, yes, I have told you." I do not know why I don't tell him of the worsening of the sealonging. I tell myself it is because already it improves and so perhaps he need never know. It is odd though to keep it secret. Glorfindel and I do not have secrets. To my relief we are interrupted before he can quiz me further. To my dismay it is Elrohir who interrupts us.

"The dwarf has prepared us something to eat." He says and he speaks to Glorfindel only, he does not so much as look at me. "Estel has sent me to find you."

"We must not keep a dwarf waiting then," Glorfindel leaps to his feet. "I do not want a lecture on the lacking of manners in elves."

"I would speak to my brother." Actually Elrohir sounds as if speaking to me is the last thing he wants to do. "If you would excuse us Glorfindel."

Glorfindel glances at me and I nod. I have no wish to speak with Elrohir at the moment but I cannot avoid him either.

"Very well." Glorfindel has no option but to retreat. "I will let them know you will not be long." He says pointedly as he leaves.

Elrohir stands before me radiating anger. He does not meet my eyes but stares at a spot behind my shoulder. I know this is about to become very unpleasant.

"I need you to explain this to me." He snaps,

It is fair request, I owe him far more than an explanation.

"It was only the once Elrohir, after the coronation-"

"I KNOW that! Legolas has told me. I want to know WHY. Tell me why."

I don't know if I can because I do not know why myself but I try.

"I was drunk...but that is not an excuse-"

"No it is not!" He is so very angry.

"I had just found out about Glorfindel and Erestor, I was confused, unhappy-"

"So you discovered Glorfindel was not perfect and decided to take something of mine instead!"

"It was not like that at all Elrohir!" There is no reasoning with him when he is like this. "I wasn't thinking....I didn't think of you..." That was entirely the wrong thing to say.

"You didn't think of me?" He gasps and I see that I have hurt him, "You didn't think of me?"

I decide he will not listen to my defence for myself, because if I am honest I have none, but perhaps I can make this easier for Legolas.

"You must forgive Legolas this, he has agonised for years over what we did. It has tormented him." I remember him sitting in the rain in Minas Tirith, wounded and grieving, weeping over how much pain his guilt was causing him.

"I have forgiven him," Elrohir says calmly and much to my surprise. "Do you think me blind? I can see how upset he is. I can see his remorse. I have allowed him to suffer for too long because I chose not to see it. I will not do that again."

"So you will forgive Legolas but not me?"

"I love him! You obviously have no idea Elladan."

"And you do not love me?" Right now I do not want to hear the answer to that question but I ask it despite myself.

"I do." He says quietly and for the first time he looks me in the eye. "I do Elladan, but your crime is the greater. You are my brother, my twin and you have betrayed me. For years you have berated Legolas because of his promiscuity, have told me how he is bad for me and then you do this?" He is not the raging, fiery Elrohir I know, he is a calm and quiet, wounded Elrohir and I do not know how to handle him.

"I do love you Elladan and that is why this hurts so much."

And he turns and walks away leaving me standing alone.

And I do not blame him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Legolas**.

  
When I come back to myself Aragorn is the first person I see and I panic, I am ashamed of that but panic is the only thing to call it. I think Elrohir has gone, that he has realised what I have said and left me and that thought is a black well of misery within me.

Of course he has not gone anywhere he is right next to me but not until he holds me can I calm myself. I feel no animosity emanating from him, only love and concern and it confuses me.

Aragorn gives me a long hard look.   
"What happened?" He asks me, "how are you feeling?"

"Well." I say although I am shaking and oddly lightheaded. "I am well."

"You will have to try harder than that to get me to believe you Legolas." he sees right through me.

"It was nothing." I am not going to give him the satisfaction of admitting all is not well although I am not myself, my thoughts flit across my mind in disorganised chaos. I cannot catch them to make sense of any of it and I do not understand why I am so out of control. I feel like crying but I will not do that. Aragorn would never leave me alone then.

He gazes at me in disbelief but to my relief appears to give up. I have no doubt he will revisit this however, he will not let me off so easily.

He sits back on his heels,  
"It is getting late. We will make camp here I think and that includes you. I am not in the mood to chase you any further this evening."

And truth be told I am no longer in the mood to run. I have no idea what I will do in the end but I am not in the state to think about it now.

"As you wish." I tell him and his eyes widen in surprise, he expected more of a fight I think but I do not have the energy to give him one.

Aragorn proceeds to treats me as an invalid. I am made to sit and watch while the others busy themselves with what needs to be done. Normally I would cajole, argue, outright disagree and refuse to be sidelined but this time I don't. I feel strangely fragile, as if with the wrong word, the wrong look I will disintergrate. And so I do sit and watch, I notice Gimli avoids me, avoids my eyes. I have hurt him by leaving without seeing him. I do not know what I should do about that.

I do not know what I should do about any of it and it is all too much to think of.

Eventually Elrohir comes to sit with me. He is gentle and concerned but very quiet and not like himself at all. It makes me nervous.

"I think we need to talk." He says and my stomach churns. He has thought better of his impetuous words of support, I am sure of it. I feel sick with terror at the thought of losing him and frustrated with my complete lack of control as the tears flow. This is not me. I am strong, I can put my hurts aside. Why am I suddenly falling apart so badly?

"Legolas," he says with alarm when I cannot hide my distress, "I only want to understand what has happened, that is all. I just want to understand it. This is not like you,"

And he is right, it is not like me. It is as if Legolas has abandoned me and a stranger has taken his place. A stranger who cannot cope with anything.

Elrohir reaches out and strokes his thumb along my cheek wiping away the tear that falls there and shakes his head with a sigh, what is he dissatisfied with I wonder? Something to do with me. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a sheet of paper and places it gently in my lap.

"This must never happen again." He says grimly, and I wonder what he means. It is my letter he has given me, the one I wrote before leaving, is there something in there he is unhappy with, for I cannot help the sealonging, or missing my father. Is it Aragorn he is upset about, does he, like Elladan think I treat Aragorn unfairly?

I look up in confusion,

"Do you mean Aragorn because I-"

He cuts me off, and grabs my hands between his.

"Why did I know none of this? I should have known it all. How can I help if I do not know?"

"These are my burdens I should fix them" I reply,

"No." He is adamant, "You should share them, I want to help you with them. Is there something I can do? Something I can change that would make it easier for you to talk to me?"

"That is not what I do." I say,

"It is what you will do now."he brushes his hand over the words on the paper. "If I was this unhappy would you not want to know?"

"Of course." I breathe, I had not thought of it that way.

"But Elrohir...."

"But nothing." He says firmly, and he gently folds my letter as if it was something precious, a treasure, and places it in his pocket.

"I will keep this here always."he says, "to remind me of your love of keeping secrets. I will not be letting you do that again. Whether we are here or in Valinor, no more secrets."

He takes my hand then, lacing his fingers through mine as if we are unbreakable.

"Now you will tell me about Elladan." And when I try to pull away he will not let me.

"Now you will tell me about Elladan, beloved because I need to know. I promise you, I promise with all my heart, it will make no difference to us, to my love for you, trust me."

And so I do. I tell him I was drunk and angry, I tell him I was dreaming of him when Elladan woke me. I tell him how I fooled myself into believing I was an innocent, that I did not know what I was doing, that for years I let Elladan believe he was the only one at fault when I knew, I knew exactly what it was I did. I tell him how it has haunted me, this guilt, how it has spoiled every good moment we have had. I pour out all the remorse I have carried for so many years.

"I have been afraid," I say, "For years I have feared that you would leave me when you discovered this. It has felt as if it is a cloud that hangs over our every day and one day my world will fall apart. That is all I deserve."

And he listens, he is still and silent and his face grave. At last when I have finished he speaks,

"I can forgive you this," he pulls my head down to lay against his chest and strokes my hair softly. "Is that what you need to hear? Will it help begin to mend this?"

"I do not deserve your forgiveness" I cry,

"But you have it anyway, I give it freely, you have carried this too long. You punish yourself for no good reason."

"I punish myself because I have betrayed you! Because I have hurt you, because I deserve it. I do not understand why, why you are not more angry.........I thought..... why are you so accepting of this Elrohir? Why do you even want to be with me?"

"I love you." He says, "and I have failed you and I thought I had lost you. This is nothing compared to that. It does hurt, I admit that, it hurts me badly.........but I still have you. I have not seen your unhappiness, I should have noticed months, even years ago and I chose not to, how selfish was I? I regret my words to you, they were cruel and untrue. I will not act without thinking again."

I laugh out loud despite myself  
"But then you will not be Elrohir!"

and he smiles sadly.

"Then I will be a better Elrohir."

And I frown at that.  
"I love the Elrohir you have always been. I do not want a different one."

We are interrupted before he can reply by Aragorn who looks at me carefully as he approaches, he looks at me with healers eyes and finds something he is not happy with judging by the expression on his face. Still it is Elrohir he speaks with.

"Can you find Elladan and bring him back. Gimli has food ready."

I realise then that Elladan is not there. Why have I not noticed that before? I wonder where he is and I remember what he has done to my sea longing. I hope he does not suffer because of me.

Glorfindel arrives and I did not even know he was here. I am usually attentive and watchful, why are all these things happening that elude my notice? Elladan follows shortly after and he is pale and miserable, I watch him closely but he does not approach me, does not even look in my direction. Someone else then who is upset with me. The number is mounting up I sigh to myself, there will be no one left talking to me soon.

Elrohir does not return.

I eat my food and try not to think of it and fail miserably, he does not stay away on my account I tell myself. He has not left, he told me to trust him and I will. He said he forgave me. It is harder than I thought however not to believe he has deserted me, so long have I imagined that would happen and despite myself my heart thuds in my chest and my anxiety builds.

Glorfindel sits next to me with an encouraging smile but he says nothing and I continue with my internal justification of Elrohir's absense, though I do wonder why he sits with me and not Elladan. Perhaps he takes pity on me since everyone else is angry with me.

"You miss your father." It is a surprise when he speaks and jolts me out of my thoughts with a shock.

"Yes." I am so taken aback by his statement I forget to cover my tracks.

"I understand." He says sadly and I look at him askance, with disbelief in my eyes for how can he possibly understand and I am not in the mood for meaningless platitudes.

Glorfindel laughs at my disbelief.  
"I am not as old as all that Legolas! I did not emerge fully formed on the shores of Cuivuénen. I do have a father and I have not seen him for a long long time." The last is said so wistfully I am ashamed and I realise I do not know him at all. The idea of Glorfindel as a child, with a father is a strange one. I know him as a warrior reborn, the balrog killer not someone's son.

"I do not know you at all." I gasp and I did not mean to say it out loud.

"No," he smiles at me, "not many do......So Legolas," he deftly changes the subject and I wonder if he prefers to be a mystery.

"What will you do now? Will you go forward on this path you have placed yourself or will you turn back?

"I do not know," I confess and it is the truth. I have no idea what I will do next.

"What would your father say to you, if he were here?"

I know exactly what he would say because we had this conversation before he left when I, at the last minute overwhelmed by the sea, was determined to join him.

"He would tell me he did not go to Valinor to spend all his time drying my tears over friends I regret leaving behind." I say and Glorfindel laughs,

"He would remind me of my duty to my people, those I lead and he would tell me he warned me about having mortals as friends and getting involved with Elrond's boy but now I must see it through to the end." I take a shuddering breath as I can almost hear his voice telling me this.

"And he would say he is always with me, even the sea cannot divide us, and he will be first to greet me when I get to the other side." I let myself imagine for a moment that welcome and it uplifts me.

"I always knew there was a reason I liked Thranduil," Glorfindel says. "and is that helpful?"

"It is, it is Glorfindel. It clears my mind, but I still miss him."

"It is not forever Legolas, one day we will be reunited."

We are silent for awhile and then I laugh,

Glorfindel give me a look that says he wonders if I might be mad.

"I remembered," I explain, "What my father said to me as he left. He told me I had spent enough years of my youth complaining to him that I wished to be free of his control, now was my opportunity and I should make the most of it!"

And then Glorfindel smiles too. He makes to leave then and I remember there is something I must tell him.

" Glorfindel, there is something else." I drop my voice to a whisper. "Elladan has taken the sea."

He looks at me blankly,

"What do you mean?"

"My sea longing. The other day, when our bond was broken, he did something. The sea was unbearable, it drowned out everything else in my mind. I could not tolerate it and now.....,it is less. He has taken it."

Glorfindel leans towards me,   
"He has spoken to me before of how you can alter it, make it calmer, more peaceful. Is that what you mean?"

I shake my head vigorously because that is not it.   
"No, he has not changed it, it is still the same, still demanding and insistant but it has .......gone....there is only a fraction left. He has taken it on himself and I am worried. I need to reclaim it, it is not his burden."

Glorfindel turns pale, it is as if the colour drains from his face as I watch.

"He has taken your sealonging upon himself?" He repeats as if I had not just told him that very thing and shoots an anxious glance towards Elladan where he sits staring morosely into the fire.   
"The fool," he mutters under his breath but I can still hear it. "What was he thinking?"

"I can take it back Glorfindel, I know I can I just need an opportunity." I don't know how I will do that, Elrohir might not be compliant with that idea and I understand why. I will have to talk to him first.

But Glorfindel is up and gone without so much as a goodbye, he strides towards Elladan who is startled by his arrival and I watch as Glorfindel whispers to him urgently his face tense and anxious.

I wonder what he will do?

And I wonder where Elrohir is, he has been gone so long.  
And as I wonder I feel my newfound confidence in us begin to ebb away.


	10. Chapter 10

**Legolas**

  
I cannot sleep. Elrohir is still not back and I lie there trying to convince myself he will eventually return. With every passing hour it gets harder. Trust him, trust him, trust him, I say to myself. It is a chant I say over and over in my head. But I have spent so long, so many years telling myself I would lose Elrohir that to believe otherwise I am finding almost impossible.

There are only Aragorn and Gimli here with me, just like it used to be, when things were simpler although far more dangerous. Elladan and Glorfindel, after a hushed, tense, agitated conversation have withdrawn themselves into the woods, perhaps so Glorfindel can shout his frustration without so many listening ears. Gimli sleeps, I can hear his gentle snores, after years of travelling with him I find them a comfort, something familiar and reliable, a sign of his solid presence. He is always there at my back, shielding me from whatever it is attempting to destroy me and he is still here now even if he is angry. He will not walk away from me, he will never walk away from me. How can I think of doing the same to him?

Aragorn is awake, he stands watch although it is not that necessary now, old habits die hard. It reminds me, the three of us here like this, so much of days in the past. A pang of loss strikes me for we are not like this now and I yearn to return to it, just for a short time if I could. I am debating speaking with Aragorn when a rustle of leaves heralds Elrohir's long wished for return.

I gaze at him from where I lay. The moonlight lights up his face, illuminates his beauty which shines through the dark. He takes my breath away. His eyes drift over the clearing, I feel them land on me, then he strides over to Aragorn, my chance to speak with him is gone, instead I listen....and watch from my place in the darkness.

"So you have decided to return." Aragorn manages to sound unimpressed. "What have you been doing?"

"Thinking." Elrohir is taciturn and not forthcoming.

"It took rather a long time. I could have done with you here."

"Well, we all know Elladan has the brains. I am rather slower."

  
The sad thing is I know Elrohir actually believes this.

  
"Speaking of Elladan, where is he.....and Glorfindel?"

"They have taken themselves off somewhere," Aragorn gestures vaguely to the surrounding woods. "So we cannot hear their argument I believe."

"What-"

"Do not ask. I have no idea what bothers them but Glorfindel seemed most unhappy." Aragorn sounds as if he is completely fed up with the lot of us.

"How is Legolas?" At the sound of my name I strain my ears to hear what it is they may say about me.

"Sleeping." Aragorn says with a sigh.

"I am worried about him."   
Then where did you go for so long? I think to myself but I know it is true, Elrohir is worried.

"You are not the only one ...." Aragorn takes a deep breath,  
"What do you intend to do, Brother?" He is looking into the distance, not looking at Elrohir at all when he asks this. As if it is a simple, casual question he asks.

"If he goes I go with him." Elrohir does not hesitate and I hear the sharp indrawn breath from my friend. There is silence after that, but I watch as Elrohir gently places his arm around Aragorn's shoulders.

"I am sorry little brother, I must do this. I cannot let him go alone, I cannot stay here without him."

"It is not meant to be this way." Aragorn's voice is heavy with grief, it shakes with emotion. "It is not supposed to be you leaving me. How can I bear the loss of both of you?"

Elrohir does not answer him.

"What of Arwen?" He asks suddenly, "What do I tell her? You will leave without seeing her? It will be forever Elrohir."

"I know it is forever!" Elrohir's reply is harsh, he too is grieving but he quickly regains his composure.  
"I will write to her before we go. You will take it? She will understand, I know. We have discussed this, She encouraged me to sail."

I am so surprised at that. He has talked to Arwen about sailing? I did not know, he has never mentioned it to me. It seems Aragorn had no idea either.

"You have discussed this? When? She mentioned nothing to me." He sounds hurt at that fact.

"After the attack, when Legolas was at his worst, screaming at the sight of you. When I could see no way for him to stay here. It was then we spoke, She knows I must be with him, she knows I love her."

"How I wish that had never happened," Aragorn says bitterly. "Do not think I don't know that attack by my own people is what has led us here."

Elrohir lets out a sigh,   
"It is true. He still suffers. He has struggled long and hard to remain here for me......for you. I can not stand by and allow him to do that any longer. I have turned my eyes from his suffering for far too long because I didn't wish to see it. I will not do that a moment more. If this will make it easier for him, I will do it."

I want to go to him, to both of them and say, it has not been that bad, it is not their fault, I do not want them blaming themselves for the position I find myself in. I have long since stopped blaming others and especially not them. I do not wish for either of them to suffer a moments grief on my behalf. I am about to rise, to go and speak with them when Elrohir bends and places a kiss on Aragorn's brow.

"Remember me Brother," he whispers, "Know you will be in my thoughts always." and with that he moves away, towards me and my courage deserts me. Instead I lie still as relaxed as I can feigning sleep.   
and Aragorn stands alone.

Elrohir lies down beside me but he is no fool and he knows me too well, he notices, as hard as I try to pretend, that I am not asleep.

"You are awake!" he whispers in my ear.

"Yes." What is the point of lying now?

"What did you hear?" His voice is full of tension and I can tell his mind flits back through his conversation with Aragorn.

"I heard your pain." I tell him, for that is all I heard as they spoke, how terribly hard it is for him to leave despite his words earlier of his desire to see his parents. I do not doubt he wants to but there are so many ties binding him to this land and at the moment they are stronger.

He is angry. I feel it surge through him but it does not frighten me. Elrohir is all churning emotion and I am well familiar with that, I love him for it, so intensely he feels. I recognise this anger far more than the calm consideration I have seen earlier.

"That was a private conversation. You had no right to listen!" He hisses, voice low so Aragorn cannot hear.

I roll over to face him.

"You can not have it both ways Elrohir." He frowns, he does not know what I mean and so I elaborate.

"You cannot ask me to share the depths of myself with you and then hide away yourself. That is unfair and it will not work."

He is silent for a moment but still angry.

"It was between Estel and myself, only he needed to know."

I turn away again, my back to him.

"How can I make a decision if I do not know what drives you?"

"You make a decision for yourself. You do not need to consider me. I will decide what I do." He replies tersely.

"Elrohir, I consider you always, in everything I do. I may not always do what you want but always I think of you. I can not decide what is best for me without thinking about you."

I get no reply and I wait....for him to rise up and storm off, that is what I am expecting. Then he will think and calm down and return to me more rational since we are in public and he cannot spill his anger and grief upon me now.

But he does not go.  
He lies there in silence for a long while. I can hear his breathing as he struggles to regain his calm and then without a word he turns to me and I feel his arm go round me, the heat of him at my back, the thud of his heart against me and his face nuzzled in my hair, I know then that I am loved, in his arms the weight of my grief, my guilt subsides. He is my best defence against it all. He keeps me safe. I love him and I cannot hurt him. I have hurt him enough.   
And with him beside me, in the safety of his embrace I sleep.

When I awake it is early, barely dawn and Elrohir still sleeps beside me. I extract myself gently making sure not to disturb him. I see Elladan and Glorfindel have returned and I wonder if they have resolved their differences. Elladan sits across the fire from me and he is a picture of dejection. My heart thumps with anxiety. I need to speak to him about the sea. I would go now but thoughts of Elrohir hold me back. If he wakes and sees us speaking........it will upset him, it will not be good. I must explain to him first his brother needs my help before I approach Elladan. For all Elrohir's words of forgiveness yesterday I know he is hurting more than he will show me.

Elladan looks up and smiles at me sadly, I wonder what it is that bears down upon him, my sea? Glorfindel? His brothers promise to follow me? It is most likely all of them. I stand and make my over to him but keep my distance. I do not sit beside him, I ensure there is space between us. Should Elrohir wake he must see nothing that causes him to doubt.

"I think I will go for a walk," I tell him, "to the trees. I have need of the space to think."

He is alarmed,  
"Legolas, do not think of running from us!"

"I don't." I promise and truly nothing is further from my mind. "I just need some solitude. I will not go far, I promise to return. I will hear them if they call. Can you let them know I do not think of leaving without them? Tell them I swear to it."

"How are you Legolas?" He asks as I turn away and I pause to think on it.

"Better." And I am not lying, I actually think I am. I feel much more myself, more in control today. "Elrohir has forgiven me." I tell him, and I still cannot believe that is true.

The smile he gives me is full of sorrow,  
"Ah that is good." he says and his smile never reaches his eyes.

I head for the trees, they are my sanctuary . I climb as high as I can and then perch myself in the branches. This feels so good, it is where I belong and I feel safe, secure and comforted here.

Then I sit and think and I have much to think on. What should I do next?

Yesterday I was so determined my only option was to sail. Do I still feel that way now?   
I still miss my father, I always will I think until we are reunited but my talk with Glorfindel has eased things, centred me in what my father would wish me to do. Running to him will  
not solve all my problems for me as much as I wish it would. He is still with me and as long as I keep him in my heart he always will be. I think of Glorfindel, how many years....more than I can comprehend, has he been separated from his family? How does he do it?

Everything seems lighter now that Elrohir knows my transgression and still loves me. It has changed it all. I think on Aragorn for some time. I ponder what I can do to change things with him. There must be a way we can return to what we used to be. I remember the feeling of companionship I had last night when it was just the three of us, Aragorn, Gimli and I. That is what we need. Time together without his people or my people, his brothers, my lover.   
Just us. It is impossible to achieve though, he has so many duties.

I know one thing. Elrohir cannot sail. For all his words he is nowhere near ready and it will damage him. I remember the grief I heard in his voice last night. I know he believes he can do this, he believes he should do this, but sometimes believing it just isn't enough. Arwen may support him but that doesn't make it right. But I cannot go without him, not now, not now I know he still loves me despite everything.

I have been unhappy for a long time. It cannot be as easy as this to mend. If I stay what happens when the sea gets louder, my nightmares return and Elrohir is far away or I cannot make things right with Aragorn? Simply wishing it is not enough to fix it. Elrohir thinks if he knows these things he can help me but I am not convinced of that.   
I feel torn in two.  
I wish there was an easy answer but there is none.

I think on this for a long time, winding in and out of possibilities in my mind. It is like a puzzle I cannot solve, the solution slipping from my grasp everytime I get near it. Finally I am startled from my musings by the sound of my name called in panic.

"Legolas!"

When I look around I am surprised to see the sun well up in the sky. I have been here hours. How long have they been calling my name? I have completely lost track of time, this happens to me in the trees, I know this and I should have been more careful. I promised Elladan I would come when they call and I have failed to do that.

Can I do nothing right?

I have not arrived at a solution for my dilemma but I am out of time.   
When I descend from here they will expect me to know what I want and I cannot ask them to wait here aimlessly in the middle of nowhere while I decide if I want to leave them. How cruel is that?

I must make a decision.  
Do I stay?

Or do I leave them all behind?

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Elladan**.

I trudge slowly back to the campsite after Elrohir has left me. Seldom have I felt so dejected, so terribly ashamed, for my brother is right. I have wronged him and wronged him badly and it is so hard to look at the pain of betrayal in his eyes. The sea beats out its ceaseless demand in my mind calling me onward. I cannot block it out, this is so different from the subtle quiet whisper of sea I am used to. It is so very relentless.

When I arrive at the campsite I discover Elrohir has not returned ahead of me. He is nowhere to be seen, Legolas is here however, pale and quiet but I avert my eyes. He is a thing of beauty, I can often be mesmerised by him but I will not look for every glance now feels like a dagger in my brothers heart.

I eat my food slowly and I am not in the mood for conversation so I am glad when Glorfindel goes to sit with Legolas. Instead I gaze into the fire, watching the flames dance and weave before my eyes. I am hypnotised by their movements, so when Glorfindel returns and says my name I am caught unawares. His voice startles me and despite myself I jump.

"What have you done?" He says under his breath, "Have you lost your mind?"

I have no idea what he is talking about and tell him so.

"Legolas says you have taken his sea."

"What if I have," I reply, "It is no problem and he was at the end of his endurance."

"No problem??" Glorfindel is upset and his voice rises, "I cannot believe you would indulge in such folly."

That annoys me for who is he to call it folly, he knows nothing of the sea, nothing.

"I don't want to talk about this Glorfindel." I say hoping he will drop the subject but of course he will not let it go.

"You WILL talk about it and we will talk about it now." He is angry.....or frightened.....or both. I do not want this to turn into a public argument.

"Not here," I hiss at him, "Somewhere else. I do not want all and sundry listening to this."

And so we leave, he is determined to talk and will not just walk away but I am tired and weary after a day of listening to this wailing sea. The last thing I want to do is speak of it.

"What do you want me to say?" I ask when we are finally out of earshot of the others.

"That Legolas is mistaken would be a start. That you have not been so reckless and foolish as to do this."

"He is not mistaken. I am a healer and he was suffering, what else would you have had me do?"

"Healers," Glorfindel sighs, "do not usually deliberately infect themselves with their patients sickness."

"It is not as bad as that Glorfindel, you are being melodramatic. I am perfectly alright." I am not at all but I am not telling Glorfindel that when he is being so insulting.

"You are lying Elladan. Why is that? You never lie to me."

"Well there is a first time for everything." I snap before realising I have just admitted I am not being completely truthful.

He takes my hand.  
"This is all very honorable of you Elladan but you cannot do this. Legolas says he can take this back and he wishes to. You must let him."

I snatch my hand away.  
"Are you mad? I am not letting him do that. Did you not see how he was before? If I give him back the sea he will definitely sail."

"Then perhaps," Glorfindel says quietly, "perhaps that is exactly what he needs to do."

"NO! He will take Elrohir with him. I will not be giving the sea back."

"It is not your burden to bear!" Glorfindel is losing his temper now and that is never pretty.

"But I can bear it," I say, "I can bear it with more ease than Legolas. If it will keep my brother here then I will do it."

"You are fooling yourself Elladan, if you think it will be easy. Did it look easy for Legolas?"

"I am not Legolas." I say and despite the endless battering of the sea against my walls I do believe I can cope with this.

Glorfindel shakes his head,  
"You will let him take it back!"

"What are you going to do Glorfindel?" I ask, "Hold me down so he can force his way into my mind? He does not have the ability to do that anyway."

"You have to see sense in this. This is stupidity Elladan."

"It is not, it is the only thing I can do." Suddenly I am overwhelmed by a flood of misery.   
"I cannot lose Elrohir, I have to keep him here, he despises me. If he goes now we will never reconcile. Never!"

Glorfindel's face is filled with concern, his anger stops dead and he is all calm reassurance.

"You are not making sense Elladan."

That confuses me because I am, I am making perfect sense.

"Elrohir does not despise you, that is impossible. He may be angry but he will forgive you, this will not keep you apart. Nothing could keep the two of you apart forever......you know this."

"Have you spoken to him? Have you seen him?....no! You have no idea what he is like, how deeply his hurt goes. I know if I let him sail it will get worse and I will never be able to overcome it."

"Elladan......this is crazy. Elrohir cannot survive without you. He is not going to cut you off."

But I know he will, I know distance will build an insurmountable wall between us so I will not be giving Legolas his sea back. I must keep it at all costs.

We argue back and forth for hours but Glorfindel will not give in. He is determined to believe Elrohir will forgive me even if we are separated. But he doesn't know my twin like I do I say to myself. This is just speculation on his part and I am not prepared to risk the loss of Elrohir on a gamble.

In the end the both of us are tired of an argument that goes nowhere and we go back to the others but Glorfindel looks at me through worried eyes. He is displeased and I think it is because he has not been able to control me. Too long I have let him tell me what to do. I am too old for that. I will make my own decisions.

Elrohir has returned while we were away and I see him sleeping with Legolas, At least he has come back. Perhaps he waited until I was gone to return as he did not want to face me? Glorfindel sleeps but I do not, I sit and watch the dying fire, poking it into life and watching the embers burn.   
And the sea roars on louder than before if that is possible. I wonder what it is like in the other side?

As dawn approaches Legolas awakes and I watch him from the corner of my eye. He seems improved, there is more life in his eyes, he is not quite as pale.

"I think I will go for a walk." He says to me and I am instantly on alert. Does he mean to escape us and run to the sea?

He denies that though when I ask him and swears he will stay within earshot and come when we call so I let him go without a protest and return to my fire gazing. It is oddly soothing watching the flames dance before me. I am still watching them when Elrohir rises. He looks at me briefly then averts his eyes turning his back on me.   
So he is still angry and it still hurts.  
  
I am not sure how much longer it is before he approaches me but when he does he is not friendly.

"Have you seen Legolas?" He asks bluntly.

"He has gone for a walk. He wanted to be on his own."

His reaction to that is dramatic and panic stricken.

"You let him go?! Have you not done enough to hurt me already? Do you want to destroy me?" He cries.

I get to my feet and reach out to him, to calm him. Always my touch has reassured him but this time it does not and he shrugs me off.

"Don't touch me! Don't try to make this right for you cannot! If he has gone Elladan.......if he has gone and I have lost him......how can I ever forgive you that?"

The others have heard our discussion, it has woken them and how could it not with Elrohir so distressed.

"What is going on?" Estel looks as weary as I have ever seen him.

"Legolas has gone!" Elrohir is quick to accuse me, "and Elladan allowed it, after we followed him all the way here he has let him go."

Estel looks at me with disbelief.   
"Are you serious? You let him walk away and didn't wake us?"

"He has not gone far Estel. He promised he would stay within earshot. He swore he would not leave."

"Oh and he is so much in his right mind at the moment," Elrohir's words drip with sarcasm and I flinch, "Of course he will do what he said and not run. Of course Elladan, I can see that now........for all his thoughts are SO logical.."

"Legolas is not dishonest," I try to defend myself but I am doubting my decision to let him go even as we speak, "He will not break his word not matter how distressed he is."

"If he even remembers it when the sea gets in his head!" Elrohir is right in front of me, his face in my face and He is so angry I wonder if he will lash out with his fists for it is not unheard of, will I have time to duck?

"STOP THIS!" It is Glorfindel and he strides between us, he is not to be ignored.   
"Stop this Elrohir, you do not help yourself by creating further injured feelings. Legolas is not the only one with the sea longing here, or do you forget that."

My brothers face pales at that and he looks at me, really looks at me for a second but then his gaze slides off me. He is not ready to think fondly of me, perhaps he never will be.

"Do you not think you should call for Legolas and see if he has kept his word before you attack?" Glorfindel stands in front of me, he protects me from them all for in truth they all look at me with disdain. They all think my decision to let Legolas go was the wrong one.

And so we call, and call until our voices are hoarse but of course he does not come. And my brother looks at me with hatred in his eyes for I have lost his dearest treasure and I know that I have lost him also, there is no coming back from this.

And the sea roars on, it calls me to better things, an easier place where none of this will matter. Except Glorfindel will not come with me I am sure of it, but now I wonder if I even need him to, for does he not just control me like a child? Does he see me for myself? Even now he takes over and protects me when I could have stood up for myself.

So I listen to the sea and it makes sense the thoughts it drenches me with. Perhaps my only option is to go? I will not be happy until I do so. I cannot stay here and watch my brother hate me and he said it himself,  
He will never forgive me.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Legolas**

  
"Legolas!"

It is Elrohir calling. I would know his voice anywhere of course and then I see him as he walks into the clearing below me. I take a moment to watch him for there is nothing I like more in the world than watching him. His beauty, his grace of movement, his charisma, everything about him entrances me and I could watch him for hours if I had the time. I sometimes do truth be told.

Now however I do not have the luxury of sitting back and observing my lover for he is panicked and I am the reason. Instead I drop quietly out of the trees in front of him.

"Elrohir, I am here."

When he sees me he is upon me in a moment, and I am wrapped in an embrace. I love the feeling of his arms around me and I relax into it. There is nothing more calming than this.

"I thought you gone!" He exclaims, "Where have you been? I thought you had left me!"

"I have been here, in the trees." I say and despite my tardiness and lack of attention I am confused by his distress.

"I swore I would not leave you. Did Elladan not tell you that?"

"He did....." And Elrohir hesitates at that

"Did you not believe him? Or was it me whose word you did not trust?" I am upset by this. I had given my word, even when I did not answer could he not have had more faith than this?

And I see by his face it was me he doubted.

"You do not trust me!" I am hurt and affronted.

"It is not that I did not trust you. I am sure you didn't mean to run but that does not mean you would not go if the sea convinced you to Legolas, it is not you I do not trust but the sea and the person you are when you listen to it."

"I would not leave you without saying goodbye, even for the sea!" I cannot believe he thinks I would do that but he sighs,

"You did just that yesterday."

"That is not true. I wrote you a letter!"

"You did not even tell me where you went."

That is true I must admit but I had been certain he would work it out, surely that counts? No, I say to myself, no if I am honest it does not. He is right. I am not trustworthy. It hurts me to know that for it is not how I see myself.

I can see indecision in his face, he is unsure what to do. In the end he sits and motions for me to sit also.

"Can we talk?" He says, "I think we need to."

And the now familiar knot of fear appears in my stomach, how long will it take until every request to communicate doesn't seem like a potential rejection?

Still I sit, what choice do I have?

"I have been thinking......" he begins, and I don't like the sound of this. He is obviously nervous about speaking whatever is on his mind.  
"Last night I did a lot of thinking, Legolas, you have been.......... you have been not the most rational lately."

"What do you mean!" I cry, for this is not easy to hear.

"You........" Elrohir is struggling to get the words out and I can tell he is choosing them carefully, "It seems as if you have not been seeing things clearly, the way you see things.....it is not as we do."

"Are you suggesting I have lost my mind? I tell you I have not!"

"I know you have not," he says gently, does he think I am a child?

"Give me an example then Elrohir, show me what you mean. What do you see differently?"

"Well there is Estel.....I know you are distressed by your friendship with him, I understand that Legolas," he speaks as if he is desperate not to offend me, as if I am some fragile creature.  
"I know things are not quite right between you but to us ...... it does not seem as bad as you think it is. Even Estel says things improve, that you move closer together and I have spoken to him often about this."

I am astonished. What right does he have to question my pain?

"How would you know? How would you know what it is like? You are not a part of our friendship. You do not get to tell me how I feel."

"But Estel..."

"You know nothing about it Elrohir!"

He takes a deep breath and begins again.

"What about something I do know......what about me."

"What about you?" I have no idea what he is meaning.

"I know you have been afraid I would leave you, But I wonder why Legolas."

"Why? Because I betrayed you!"

"But you know the depth of my love for you, You know how much I need you. I have told you often, I know it has frustrated you in the past.... why would you think I could ever leave, even if I wanted to. I am too entwined with you, I would not be myself without you. I will always forgive you. What made you think I could not? Why have you spent so long in misery about this?"

His questions take me by surprise. Why did I believe so strongly he would leave me....for so many years? Now, as I sit here it seems unreal, for he is right, he loves me deeply. Why did I not trust in that for I do know it.

"I don't know...." I say, "I don't know now but surely that is only because I know you didn't leave? It was quite clear before, now it is......confusing."

He places a hand on my knee,   
"I think It may be the sea longing."

"What?!" That is ridiculous and makes no sense at all to me.

"Yes! Hear me out, I have thought about this long and hard. The sea longing calls you, it tries to lure you across the sea but if it has failed, if you resist its call......well could it not try to push you also?"

"Push me?"

"Destroy the bonds that hold you here, make things seem to be what they are not. Warp the way you see things, Estel....me.....the people you hold dear, might it not take the opportunity to make you think we are lost to you? "

And as I hear him say this suddenly it all makes sense but before I can speak he continues,

"The old Legolas, the one before the sealonging. That Legolas would have told me what he had done, he would not have doubted the strength of our bond, and I would have been angry, and we would have fought.....but it would not have mattered in the end. It seems your confidence in us has all disappeared. I do not recognise the Elrohir you thought I was, an Elrohir who could walk away from you."

"What about my father?" I ask, "Do you question my grief?"

"Of course not!" He takes my hand,  
"I know you miss him as I miss mine. You have no idea how many times I have wished he was here but is it not ........perhaps more intense than you would expect? I do not mean to dismiss it Legolas, not at all but it is yet another thing it can use against you. A trap to ensnare you."

"If what you say is true then how can I know what is real?" It is a frightening thought that the sea longing may be twisting my reality but oh, now he has said it it feels right, I think he may be right!

He leans forward and softly strokes the hair from my face.   
"You have had much to bear, I know, and perhaps it is all just that. But I worry, I worry that if you sail, when you reach Valinor and the sea longing is gone your thoughts will clear and you will be left with such regret, for Estel and Gimli cannot follow you."

"I think....what you say has merit," I am still struggling to process it but I am more and more convinced as I think on it.  
"I have never heard of this though, I have never heard of anything like this."

He shrugs his shoulders,  
"Of course I am no scholar, you know that. You are probably best advised to check with Estel or Elladan. They know much more of everything than I"

"You know much more of me!"

He is always so self depreciating and it is so again now.  
"I do not have their skills.......I have no skill at all but the thought occurred to me and it seemed to make some sense."

I look at him beside me and I wonder not for the first time what I must do to get him to see his worth, to see himself as I do.

An idea strikes me and in a rush of impulsiveness I clutch his arm and drag him to his feet.

"Come with me!"

"What? Where do we go?" He asks but he allows me to drag him into the woods. It takes time, a long time to find what it is I want and we wander far among the trees until  
Elrohir is anxious.

"Legolas do you have any idea where we are? The others will be looking for us."

"Of course I know where we are! We are in the woods and I am a woodelf!"

Sometimes he is such a Noldo.

At last I find it, a dark slit in the rock, dank, wet and narrow. You could barely call it a cave but it will do. I pull him in after me.

"What are you doing?! You hate caves!" He thinks me completely mad now I am sure but I forge on and we walk into the dark.

"I will show you how I see you." I tell him,

"Look Elrohir, What do you see?"

"Nothing." He says, "it is pitch black here."

"This is my life. Or it has been, lately. Darkness pressing in on me, can you feel it?"

He turns to look at me with alarm, I can see his soft glow.

"Not this dire surely? Tell me it is not so Legolas!"

I shrug,  
"Sometimes, but it does not matter because..... watch..."

Then I take his shoulders and turn him slowly so we face back from where we have come. Ahead of us is the opening and the sun shines through, a beam of light that cuts the dark scattering it in its wake, dust particles dance in its warmth and all it falls on is illuminated with it's golden touch.

"What do you see now Elrohir?"

He is all confusion,  
"The way out?"

"Yes!" I smile, "This is my life and the light is you. My way out of the darkness. See how beautiful it is! See how it transforms this place. You do that Elrohir, for me. You transform my life. Do you understand? What skill you have! None can come close to you......not for me."

He stares and says nothing for a long time but then he turns to me with disbelief in his eyes,

"You really must be crazy!"

"Perhaps," I smile back, "Perhaps, but I do not care when I have you. Do you understand? Do you understand what you are to me? Do you understand how I see you?" I touch his face gently, my fingers wandering softly across his beauty.

"I am no-"   
I place my hand across his mouth stopping dead his words before he can run himself down yet again.

"No Elrohir, I will not listen. You are everything."

And then he smiles.

 

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Legolas**.

We walk in companionable silence through the trees back to the others and I realise I am happy. Not simply happy at a lull in the sea or a brief snapshot of happiness before melancholy overtakes me but really truly and completely happy to the depths of my soul. I cannot remember the last time I felt this way, so long ago I had forgotten what it could be like.   
Perhaps Elrohir is right and I can now find happiness with my sea longing reduced? But what does that mean for Elladan?

I know I must speak to Elrohir about him, I must take back my burden and then this feeling of joy and light will be gone. I do not want to do it.

But I must.

"Elladan has taken my sea." I blurt it out without preamble before I can change my mind

"Taken it where?" Elrohir is startled and uncomprehending.

"Upon himself. When Aragorn broke our bond, Elladan did something.......I cannot explain it but the sea is less, still there but less. He has it Elrohir."

Elrohir is pale and horrified,

"Don't worry," I say in a rush, "Don't worry, I can take it back, through our bond. I will not let him keep it."

"I do not want you to regain it," he cries, "I have just got you back."

"I cannot leave it with Elladan."

"Why does it have to be with either of you? Why can we not be rid of it? It is a cruel thing. None of us deserve this!" I had not anticipated he would be this upset.

"We cannot be rid of it Elrohir, and Elladan is not meant to bear it. I am."

"I will take it!" He proclaims, "I have a bond with Elladan, I will take it away from the both of you."

I know he means it.  
"Oh Elrohir, that will not work. You are not meant to have the sea longing."

He is silent and brooding. He is hurting.

"Are you happy Elrohir that I do this.... with Elladan? The bond is only through the sea longing I swear."

He does not answer me for a long time.

"I do not want Elladan to suffer, of course I don't. If you can help him then help him. As long as I know what you do and when you do it"

I am filled with a sudden urge to reassure him. His face is agonised and I realise for the first time just how much my sea longing has affected him. He suffers along with me and he is right, it is a cruel thing.

"I will not sail Elrohir." And as I say the words I know this is the right thing to do.   
"You are right, I would regret it. Even with the full extent of the sea longing back I will stay."

"You say that now." He does not believe me,   
"Now that Elladan has lessened your burden, but when it returns....when you are as crushed by it as you were before you will forget this promise and you will go."

"No!" I do not want to admit to myself he may be right.  
"I am forearmed, I know now how it can twist my mind. I will ask for help as you have told me to, from you and Gimli and Aragorn. I will not let that happen!"

"If it twists your mind you will not know it and it will try to stop you coming to us. But you must do what you must do, I know that." He is so utterly dejected.

Moments ago we had been happy and full of love and now that has gone disappeared into a puff of smoke as if it had never been. The sea longing still dogs my steps. It still haunts my joyful moments. I would do anything to be free if it but now I must take it back.

When we walk into the clearing where the others are gathered you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. They are not happy, any of them. Even calm, controlled Aragorn can not control his anger.

"Where have you been?"

"I have been in the trees as I told Elladan." I say lightly, as if I had not a care in the world although I know that will irritate him greatly and is perhaps unfair. I am in the mood to be mischievous. I have no idea why.

"You said you would come when we called." It is Elladan and he looks as if he is weighed down so heavily my heart twists because he has done this for me and I still do not understand why. I feel a wave of remorse looking at his drawn and weary face.

"I lost track of time, I allowed the trees to distract me. I am sorry Elladan."

He turns away from me and I feel Elrohir step close by my side, to protect me or claim me I do not know. With a flash of insight I realise despite his words of forgiveness there is much still to be resolved between the three of us. I no longer fear he will leave me but I wonder what truly goes on in his mind.

"Let us get on with this then Legolas." Aragorn snaps, his control on his temper is thin indeed. "Do not draw this out any longer for it is unbearable."

And I realise why all the tension, why the anger, while I have been talking of love and happiness with Elrohir they have been sitting here powerless waiting for me to leave them.

"I am not-" I begin but he walks away.

"I don't want to hear any more." He says back over his shoulder  
"I cannot cope with this any longer, none of us can. Let us just do this."

Elrohir leans close,  
"Tell them you will stay!"

But I am taken by an irrational fit of pique, even though I know it is completely unjustified.

"He doesn't want to hear it" I mumble sourly, and I walk away from them towards my horse muttering to myself about the unfairness of humans as I do so.

Gimli is there waiting for me. Gimli who has said barely a word to me since they found me. His hurt runs deep and I have caused that. Still hurt or not he makes an attempt at a smile.

"One last ride together then lad," he says to me, "for old times sake." Then he looks away but not before I see the glint of tears in his eyes.   
How did I ever think I could leave him behind? I am ashamed of myself.

"One last ride?" I ask, "have I done something to offend you that you will ride with me no longer?"

"You will be riding where I cannot go Legolas. Do not make this harder than it already is."

And I smile,   
"I know Imladris is an elven enclave. I am sure they will let you in if you are with me. They tolerate dwarves occasionally."

It takes a while before what I have said filters through then his face lights up and it warms my heart.

"You will not leave us?"

"How could I Gimli? How could I ever leave you? I will take you to Valinor with me when I do go!"

And he laughs at the ridiculousness of that idea, but I wonder for a second....what if I did?

When I have helped Gimli up and have deposited myself on the horse in front of him I look down the road to where the others wait for me, Aragorn, Elladan and Glorfindel, a picture of solemnity and despair.

"Put them out of their misery." Elrohir says beside me, "Now is not the time to play games with them.....unless you change your mind?"

"Of course not!" I shoot him a wide smile. "I stay here.....with you."

"Aragorn!" I call, "What has happened to your sense of direction? Imladris is this way."

As with Gimli, realisation is not instantaneous, it takes a while for him to understand what I mean and then it is as if he sheds years of worry in front of my eyes and I realise Elrohir is right. We are still friends, we are still as close as ever. It has been my own mind that has placed barriers between us. I have a plan. I have thought on it in the trees. I wonder if he will agree.

It is Elladan who catches my eye though, and Elladan who holds it as the relief shines openly upon his face. Relief not that I stay but that I will not take his brother. He is tired and I can tell the sea accosts him but I have given him this much and I will take back my burden at the first opportunity.

"It is worth it just for that," I whisper to myself when I see that look on his face and I mean it. I owe him a debt and this is a step towards repaying it.

Elrohir rides close to me, it is as if he fears I will turn and run if he takes his eyes off me although nothing is further from the truth. The misery which drove me out here seems a faint memory now for I know he will not leave, will not forsake me, we are forever, and it was the loss of Elrohir more than anything else which caused my unhappiness. I wish I had not waited so long to speak to him and the thought that it was the sealonging which held me back and changed my perceptions is a worrying one. Can I really survive here with it even knowing what it is capable of? There is no point in pondering on it for survive I must. I have to find a way.

We are three quarters of the way back to Imladris before I can extract myself from the eagle eye of Elrohir and drop back beside Aragorn. I am eager to see if he will agree with my plan and if I am to remain here with the sealonging I know I will need him.

"How much longer do you remain in Imladris," I ask casually,

"A few days only, Duty calls me back to Minas Tirith." Duty always calls him, seldom if ever can we get time alone.

"I suppose your entourage will be escorting you then." I try to keep the sarcasm out of my voice but I think I fail.

He laughs,  
"Yes, now I am a king it seems I am no longer qualified to travel alone. I had no idea a coronation would effect my skills so badly." He glances towards me.  
"You and Gimli could join us if you head back that way yourself."

"Aragorn!" I hear Gimli hiss underneath his breath. Does he really think I cannot hear him?

"No...I think I would find that difficult." I try being honest as Elrohir has told me I must. It is a strange feeling. I doubt though that I will ever again be comfortable travelling with Men. Aragorn and Faramir aside they still cause me anxiety. Perhaps that scar will never heal.

"Forgive me!" Aragorn is appalled with himself, "I did not think....."

"I should be the one apologising to you Aragorn, I have caused much heartache I know."

"If you had only told me..." He says and I sigh, if I had only spoken of a lot of things.

"Do you think," I say changing the subject away from my communication failures, "Do you think they would let you travel alone if you had a pair of warriors to accompany you?"

"My brothers you mean? They are not due to come back to Minas Tirith for some time. I cannot wait for them to be ready to travel. Arwen would not be pleased!"  
  
"Gimli and I," I say nonchalantly, "Do have a reputation for being handy in a fight. We were members of the fellowship you know, two thirds of the three hunters. Would we be esteemed enough to escort a King of Men?"

"A fine idea Legolas!" Gimli pipes up behind me, "Get rid of those boring men who insist on following you around Aragorn and come back with us."

He looks at us in astonishment,  
"Travel back with you?"

I decide it is time to be serious.  
"I would like some time with you." I say, "With the both of you. I cannot travel with your men, not easily and their company would not help us. Do you think you could sway them to letting us accompany you instead?"

"It will not be easy." He replies and my heart sinks for I know, I just know this would have helped me.........have helped us.  
But then he smiles,  
"I can think of nothing better Legolas. I will tell them it will be so. What is the point of being King if I cannot give the occasional order!"

"As long as you do not think you can start ordering us." Gimli grumbles and I laugh for I am happy.

I will not think of the sea,  
I think of my friends and their love drowns it out. The sea is nothing when measured against them.

With them at my side I am safe.  
With them at my side I am unbeatable.  
I will never forget that.   
The sea will not steal them from me.

I will win.


End file.
